I've written blogs my whole life, mostly through my most trivial times. Trivial times in MY life I should say, not at all to compare to the things going on around the world. While I deeply care about all those innocents suffering I did start a blog to talk about myself, work through my problems. Before I can help others, I have to help myself first. I should start at saying I am 26 years old and am the definition of a quarter-life crisis. Look it up…it's becoming a thing. Blogs I've been in recently (in the past 3 years or so( have had a lot of "trolls" and I'm hoping that there is a sort of family hood here since we all seem to battle with addiction, anxiety, and depression. I'm going to keep this brief for now, I still have some exploring to do on the forum. I'll be back for sure. Oh and if anyone reads this…what is my addiction? Pain pills & benzos.

I suffered with migraines since puberty. Nothing OTC would ever take care of it. It was a daily annoyance. At 16 when I had my wisdom teeth out, that's when it opened the door to my brain. Wow…there IS something that can take my pain away. Obviously at 16 that wasn't easy to get a hold of, but that craving was still there in the back of my mind. Two years later I was going through my mother's medicine cabinet to find MY bottle of hydrocodone from when I has my wisdom teeth out. I took it. Sometimes recreationally but these headaches and migraines almost every it was hard to tell. An important part of this is I also suffered (and still do suffer) deeply with anxiety and depression. I have knots the size of golf balls in my back. I don't recall the last time I haven't been on any medications and not be in pain.

 

Well duh? Why not go see a doctor? I did. I spent thousands of dollars. Internists, neurologists, regular doctors about 5 different chiropractors and finally I found a doctor that offered me Vicodin and muscle relaxers. After nearly 10 years of this I finally found something that relieved my pain and worked. They didn't make me sleepy at all. I felt myself again. A year after that my tolerance was through the roof so I knew I just couldn't keep going. Withdrawal was awful but I made it. Until I ran into someone at work that offer to sell some to me once and that's when my life went downhill. A few here and there wasn't a big deal…but as my tolerance grew, the amount of money I spent on it grew. It's my dirty little secret and I know how to stop. I pray every day for the strength.

 

A little about me, I graduated college, and live with my parents. My mom hates me (her favorite is her son who is in the army), at least my mom likes to throw words out like "I wish you weren't my daughter" and "You make me not want to live". She yells at me every single day and it breaks my heart. I'm not innocent either, or hadn't been, but thanks to my boyfriend's mother…she has taught me the patience and taught me I do not have to participate into every argument I'm invited to. I can't afford to move out so i stay holed up in my room when I'm not working to avoid being yelled at for anything and everything. I've tried having heart to hearts with her, but she tells me I'm "lecturing "her when all I'm trying to do is get her to understand how much it hurts when she acts and says the things she does to me. I'm 26 why do I care so much for my mother's approval?? I am not exaggerating that I can't do anything right and when I do try, it's wrong. Yesterday i got diagnosed with strep throat and knowing this, she is stomping around the house yelling about such trivial things.

I have a wonderful boyfriend who knows about my addiction…he supports me in any way possible. He knows exactly how to calm me down, he works his ass off so we can get a house and he get get me away from my mother. He is the love of my life. I love him with all my heart and am scared to death he's going to leave me with less baggage.

 

Well that wasn't a fun welcome entry, it's a gloomy day…I apologize. Weather has a great affect on my moods.

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