i push everything around me away. because no one understands what i deal with inside of my head…and im not saying NObody understand but i am saying people i know..do not…and though we can all relate on here i still feel like no matter how much i try i cant tell you how it feels in my head.. sometimes i feel like my brain is going to split in two trying to control the circling thoughts that overtake all of myself and i cant think straight i cant find a balance i cant controll my emotions.it gets out of control and the ones around me that care dont know what to do for me.i try so hard to keep myself from letting my depression and anxiety and most of all..my ocd control me..and it never works. i blame my ocd the most but my depression alone is pretty ridiculous…i have done therapy and ive tried medicanes i try meditating. and i will be okay..and then something happens and i lose myself the second something triggers my ocd which then causes me anxiety and then i get depressed…i guess thats how its working..but my ocd is not always the root..i guess maybe i feel its a bigger problem though..l im trying to figure it out i cannot stand it anymore.i feel like i am pushing myself in a corner and soon ill have an epsiode and i wont get out of it…i get really angry…and i get really mad at myself…i cant stand myself and they way that i think and the way i dont feel normal because everything is a problem..i cant explain it…my ocd is crazy and intense and oncei get fixated on whatever it is thats triggering it its really hard to pull my out of it.ugh it is so hard to explain i dont think i will ever be able to explain it!its so frustrating. i dont know what to do when it gets bad and its really been feeling like its been getting worse lately..and i go numb and blind and cant pull myself together. just the other day i was so upset..so angry at myself and i had my nails in my skin,mad..and just ran them up my arm. i didnt even notice until a few minutes later how hard i did that and was bleeding everywhere…thats insane!im just tired!and frustrated with everything…

1 Comment
  1. frodo21 7 years ago

    i can relate with the despair woven throughout your post. Its hard when people cant just have your brain for a day so they could see what its like. I literally hate my OCD and depression, but sometimes in a weird way i'm almost kinda grateful for what i've learned from it. I hate feeling like i'm teetering all the time between being ok and not ok. Between managing it all and being managed by it. I hope and pray you will have a good day and know you're not alone.

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