Yet again, it's been ages since I've been on.. I was kind ofhoping that the next time I came on here I would have some type of good news..

As usual, my expectations are far to great to be met.

I'm worse than I wasa month ago. That idiot guy was suppose to leave this past weekend, but instead of leaving, he decided to make himself more comfortable and buy himself a ps3 or whatever, and hook it up to our tv. Seriously?

My grades are still suffering.. I still haven't been attending very many classes, and now one of my professors noticed that I didn't take his exam.. What the hell am I supposed to tell him? "I'm sorry for missng the exam. I've beendepressed for a while now and haven't been in the mood to do anything. Oh by the way, I'm just guessing at this, I haven't been diagnosed or anything." ??? He's not going to believe me. And I don't know how to go about getting a psychiatrist to see me here, not in time for the next time I see him..

And honestly, my self-esteem has been completely shot.. It was high back in highschool, but it's plummetted down so low that I feel hideous even after doing everything I can to make myself feel pretty.

And my neck is a hopeless case now.. It does nothing but hurt no matter what it is that I'm doing.. But hey, It's my fault anyway.. That's what everyone keeps saying. I haven't done my stretches, took my medicine, or went to physical therapy yet..

I've been looking for a job, but I can't find any. I don't have a car, so I'm limited to on-campus positions so I can use the bus. But the bus doesn't run on weekends, so I can't work on weekends, ruining my chances of a job even further. I need a car so I can get a job whereever and not depend on the bus or my sister. But in order to get a car, I need money. And in order to get money, I need a job.. But I need a car for a job! It's an endless circle and I don't know where to start.. I don't want my parents to pay for my car completely.. They have enough to worry about.

I just don't feel like I have anything to fight for.. Nothing to look forward to.. The one thing I thought I had was my "home-time" every other weekend. But two weekends ago the fucking snow prevented me from going home, then last weekend, my sister prevented me from going home. I'll be lucky if I get to gohome this weekend. It's almost been a month since I've been home! I'm dying here!

My spring break is in two weeks. I'm excited for that, but I know for a fact there will be drama the entire time.

No matter what happy thought I have, it's easily ruined by a bad thought or situation.

I don't have any friends, never any plans, still can't find a job.. I literally have nothing to distract me from these thoughts. One would think that my lack of a life would make me focus on my classes, but everytime I try, I get reminded of how behind I am and how much I missed out on. So then I get discouraged and give up.

I have nothing to live for. Nothing to look forward to.

The only thing keeping me here is my lack of weapons.