I have had to think long and hard about that last entry, because by the end of the night I found myself realising that it wasn’t having the baby, it was my partner I had doubts about.
The thought just struck out of the blue and i felt that sense of relief you feel when something’s bugging you and you finally figure out what. No relief anymore, though. I know he’s being dishonest with me. I came back two days ago to find “so when are you going to tell her she’s not ‘the one’?” on his msn, which he immediatly closed then struggled to explain. He claims prior to that they had been discussing how great things were going with their respective girlfriends but as you can see, that really does not add up. He has reassured me over and over that the question came unprompted by anything he’d said, and I’ve told him I believe him, but I still find it profoundly unsettling. It drags up other little things which bug me. It seems just as I let one incident go, another comes up to cause fresh doubt. There was a girl before me who he told me he really fancied though he claims nothing happened between them and he ‘hardly knew her’ (something he has contradicted himself on a few times). Well, after our 1st week together he introduced me to a mate by her name. I overlooked that at the time – it was still early, etc. Then he thought it would be funny to call me by her name a few months down the line – which I hated (as he’d made me aware that he was attracted to her and the only reason they hadn’t hooked up was because she apparently wasn’t interested). I asked him to not do that and explaaned that it bugged me he apologised and a few weeks later did it again. He finally delted her from his msn (I didn’t ask him to) and told me about it in an argument. Then I come back one time let myself in (I hardley ever come here without him knowing I am because I don’t have a key. a housemate let me in) and found an msn from a VERY similar name to her. I didn’t mention it till a week later cause there were other little things and it kept bothering me so I thought better out than in, and he insisted it was a mate of his with a completely different name. I’m sure he was lying about that. He was also very evasive about where he was going after his lecture the other day and pushed me to not walk with him. I just really find it hard to trust him. I want to, more than anything, but that last episode with the ‘the one’ comment is too hard to ignore. I can’t help feeling like he’s hiding things from me. I’m only 5 weeks away from giving birth and I’m tired of all this stress, and part of me just wants to forget it all and take his word for it. But too much is at stake and too many wierd things have happened for that to be the case. Any views? Thanks BD