I seem to be losing it. When ever I feel things are becoming a little calmer, and a little more ‘normal’ I am suddenly turned upside down. My work has announced that many jobs are going and mine is one of them. What I especially like is the way they are making us fight for the few positions which will be left, as we have all been told that we need to re-apply for our jobs. This has brought so much emotion with it, and coincided with my counsellor being way. We will be informed at the beginning of Christmas if we ’successful’. It’s going to destroy so many Christmas’. I am angry that a company is allowed to work this way. I’m angry that I applied for a transfer and was taken out of the running and employed new entrants when I have more skills and knowledge than all of them. I’m angry the way they are making me train my work to other people and putting my self out of a job. Through all of this I feel guilty… guilty that if I do get a place to stay, what right have I got over anybody else. What right have I got to get a place when I have no dependants, than the person who has a family depending on their income to provide shelter & food.
I find my mind running to a familiar point. If I wasn’t here, if I was dead it would allow someone else to take this place, someone who needs it. Would I really be missed if I was dead. I’m tiered, there’s always an obstacle to get over, always wall to climb or a black hole to get out of. I don’t want to fight any more.