I’m sat here in tears, thinking about my ex. I thought i was starting to feel a bit better about it and i was just feel depressed in general about things in my life, but tonight as i realise it’s getting closer to her birthday i’m heartbroken once again. I loved/love her very much so, and i’d die for her. Sad thing is i couldn’t handle just being friends with her, it tore me apart so much it really. One night it all got so much i tried to hang myself. So in the end we had to cut all contact..I dunno if i’ll ever be able to be friends with her again, because i think i’ll aways have this love for her and i don’t think i’d ever be able to tone it down to just love her as a friend and therefore knowing myself i would become overbearing for her, clingy and jelous and therefore make her life hell in the long run. I Decided not to speak to her again for HER own good. But it doesn’t make it hurt less :’-( I want to send her a birthday card just so she knows i’ve not forotten her and she’s still in my mind and that i do care about her. Sad thing is and this sounds so awful considering i love her so much…I don’t actually have her address anymore. I’m not good at remembering addresses, if somoene asked me my own grandmas address i’d be clueless. Sure i know what her house looks like and what the street looks like but her postcode and house number? i have no idea…..Me and my gf had a distant relationship so it was train journeys for to see me, i offered to go to hers on numerous occasions but she didn’t believe my physcal health could take the long journey on the train, that and she she didn’t want me meeting her parents (Long story) I had all addresses saved on my other laptop. Sadly this cut out. I had saved all documents onto a external harddrive where i back up my pictures and such….but it seems i’ve got one file missing…the file with addresses! So i can’t even send her a birthday card! or a christmas card! I know it sounds like a small thing but this is tearing me apart knowing i can’t send her a card or anything. I can PM her on a forum i know, but thats nothing like a birthday card is it?! What am i gonna say? "Hey, i miss you lots. I do love you and i’m sorry it had to end the  way it had. I hope you have a good birthday. I did want to send a card but i don’t have your address" How loveless does that sound not having her address?! I’m so heartbroken! I can’t believe this! Sure she hurt me but i hurt her to by saying i couldn’t be her friend and things. SO we both hurt each other in some way. I just keep thinking about how this time last year i was just starting with this new relationship with a girl i’d already fallen for and she apparenly had fallen for me too. (I’m not sure i believe it anymore and think i was just a rebound, sex object) i know know! A man saying he was used as a sex object is often unheard of. But i’m a bit of a……old fashioned person i guess……I believe sex is part of a relationship but i defo don’t think it’s the most important part and i defo like the idea of waiting till two people are both ready and feeling love for each other. I don’t like to do ‘meaningless’ sex. But it seemed that was all she was with me for……:-S I hate to say it about her as i still love her so…..Anyways this time last year i felt a feeling i hadn’t felt in a long long time. I hadn’t felt it in such a long time i started to become anxious…clingy….cause i didn’t want it to end! and in my head i was thinking "All good things come to an end! hang on hang on all you can. You’ll never find anyone else like her….and even if you did…it wouldn’t be HER would it!" Thats partly what i’m sure ended the relationship. she couldn’t deal with my insecurities. Maybe i wasn’t ready for a relationship really, maybe i was too mentally unstable for it all along. Maybe it was jusst a masquerade to hide all the pain i feel so deep inside. I remember sometimes my depression would flare up just a tiny bit. She hated it when it did and become defensive with me and shouted at me for being depressed. Which in turn made me depressed. Maybe it’s for the best that we;re over…..I didn’t mean to hurt her :’-( I only wanted to love her and make her feel happy. And i failed. 🙁 I failed so bad. I spoke to people behind her back when i was feeling depressed casue i didn’t wanna speak to her about it. She found out and went insane about it. :’-( but i swear i didn’t mean it to hurt her…Iwas trying to protect her from my depression i was also trying to protect myself from her shouting at me about it. I should have just faced it like a man. I miss looking into her blue eyes, i miss kissing her. I miss her smell. I’m terrified of feet…..usually…But i actually touched her feet! I tickled her feet for her and things like that and believe it or not i also miss that :’-( Maybe it’s more the affectiion i miss more than actually missing her herself as a person…Gawd that sounds so awful! I mean…I did love her for who she was i still love her…For the most part….But she had such a mean streak in her that i would often end up on the end of.  I loved the way she smiled and the way she looked at me, the way she played with her hair, the cute way she spoke when she was tired. I’ll never find anyone else and she’s already found someone else. ANd you know that hurts so much…That she could actually fall for someone else…someone else not me…..:'( it kills me inside to think of her with someone else. I’m glad i don’t know what they look like or their name……cause it’d be in even more detail in my head. I’m a bit angry at her to be honest….she moved on so quick. It was like a week after we’d officially split up that she had fallen for someone else! I couldn’t believe it. My heart sank when i heard it….My world fell apart and i’ve not been able to pick my self up fully since.