I like the mirrors in my home because they are the only ones that don’t tell me what everyone else is saying.
It took a long time for me to feel comfortable with myself and to not feel like I was not worth looking at with the lights on.
In just a couple of days my self confidence was shot down. I don’t think we realize how comments, remarks or even “jokes” can stay lodged in someone else’s head and start to affect them later on. We all think by labelling everything as a joke or with good intentions that it makes it ok to criticize another’s appearance.
Everytime I even think about what I’m going to eat, I hear a series of comments in my mind that are not mine. Going anywhere to eat is a hard desicion that has probably been in my mind all day and once there it is an internal battle over what to pick off the menu.
If there’s other people present I feel I should probably pick the healthiest thing I can find, even if I probably don’t like the actual food.
After each meal theres an immediate plan that plays out in my head over what will happen in the next days as to taking care of what I just ate.
The worst I’ve ever felt, was the most special day of my life. I felt uncomfortable all day because I kept thinking about how everyone would be able to see the rolls on my back. Instead of enjoying the day, I felt like I was not good enough or pretty enough for it being my wedding day.
I thought it would all feel better once it was over, but instead it grew deeper and deeper into my subconscious.
I had always been “fit”, I ate better, I was a size 6 and I was miserable because I ALWAYS watched what I ate.
When I found my happiness I felt I didn’t have to be so strict anymore. I gained a few pounds and suddenly all my conversations where about my weight and of how I had let myself go and how I needed to be perfect for my wedding because I “needed” to feel beautiful that day. Funny those words never came from me.
It only got worse.
It got worse because the stress was off and I said to hell with what anyone thinks. But then people where “concerned” even though I was healthy, felt fine, no problems in any area…still it was a conerning matter because what about when I have kids! Yes, what about when I have kids, when I no longer am an individual and even more of my self worth goes away. No one talks about that, instead there are more concerns over my weight and how my arms look so differently big.
Having to convince myself that I can make a change but it will take time, that I am worth being admired by my husband but I just have to admire myself first, that I can look at myself in the mirror and not notice how wide my hips are, instead just feel good about myself…all this has been the hardest thing I’ve had to do and today I have to start from zero again.
But as hispanics we don’t talk about this, we only hear what others have to say, so we keep it in and put a smile on our faces and don’t get offended because if we do, then we don’t get the joke. Even though the joke is on us.