i am so very exhausted but there is no end in sight. i am utterly alone and i know its for the best
nobody really did need me as much as they thought or would tell me. most have already went on with their lives. the others are doing fine without me and werent even truthful with me as to what was going on in their lives. its so hard for me to be honest, to trust someone enough to tell them how I really am and how I really feel. that never seems to be understood. people listen to me, they assume that I am having a bad day or dont really mean what im saying. they assume i am too weak to be a true friend and dont confide back in me. so i end up hurt. either because the next day they act as though nothing has been happening which feels like a dismissal of what I confided in them or i find out later that major things were going on with them that either they didnt want to confide in me or thought me too weak to be able to hear it.
they all told me that i was doing the wrong thing. that isolation wasnt good. but the truth was that they were hurting me and i was hurting them. how could i knowingly let that continue? its probably not the greatest for me to be all alone but i honestly have no idea what to do about that. alone is so painful. so very many people i have met here feel alone but they talk with so many daily. they have friends. they have family. they feel alone yet they really are not. alone is forgetting how to act around other people from lack of practice. your voice becoming hoarse from lack of use. literally not having someone actually see you or hear you or be reminded of your existance for days at a time. that is the new loneliness i have come to discover here. i once had someone here tell me that was ok because i did talk with the grocery store lady twice a month. yes. i do say about 10 words to her. lol to her im just a weird face she doesnt know in a town full of people she does know. not really a person, just someone who hasnt been around long and someone she knows wont be around long. not worth her time or conversation beyond the required words to get me through the check out. thats what i am to everyone. just a barrier to be dealt with so they can move on to the next, better, more interesting thing in the road. they all happily move on, move over, or step around me as i lay dying on the road of life. i used to care and want to reach out, to get someone to help me get up. now i just want to lie here until its all over.