I find myself wanting to go back to the old habits that are bad for me. I know I shouldn't and can't. I have been dwelling on the past too much. I'm having a hard time getting to the future. I also seem to be making my own hurdles to jump. I'm tired of being tired. I just want to be active again but have no will power or desire to get up and move. I will do things around the house but not as much as what needs to be done. I find that perhaps it's a pit i feel that i am because i'm always cleaning up after my daughter and the kids and they are pigs! I don't feel that i am given any kuddos for it or appreciated for it. It's not expressed to me at all. In fact, it's when i take a day off from doing it that I get a negative reaction. It's wrong…….it's so wrong! I sympathize with her because pregnancy is not fun when it gets close to the end. She refuses to take her thyroid meds and her hormones are all off. She only has me and I only have her so I get the brunt of it all. I come here to vent so she doesn't hear me cause it would be happeneing all the time if i did. But I'd never do that anyways.

We are moving in a couple of weeks and nothing has been started. So much to pack and I can't focus on it. So not like me…..I haven't been me in a few years and I miss me! I want me back! I was only the real "me" for a four year period of my life and i want it back! I had to drink everyday, not eat, smoke, go out all the time, and work all the time. That is when I felt that i was a productive part of this world. or life.

I hate being this way. I'm a bag of emotions and a blank slate all at once. I just don't know what to do with myself. And it's only 9am. I have to be this way….the entire day….ugh!

I know i wont feel this way tomorrow! It's chemical….it's okay to be this way today!! Just get through today….take time to pamper myself…..be kind cause your not feeling the best today. Tomorrow you will feel better…you have the day off and can sleep in.