I think that i might have pushed it a little to far today with the piano thing. I thinkg i realized that im a creator not a rules and regulations person. Well im thinking this because, i was happily playing with my piano making stuffs up, matching sounds together and playing what feels good to me, then i thought hey maybe i have some of my old piano books i should take a look at them and see what i remember and see if i can find a song  to play or learn to play one again. I open itup and i dont remeber anything from it, I tried to read and geta  feel for it, tried to look at the notes but it was so forced… it just wasnt good… wasnt good at all… im just not that kinda person who has to do things liek that… i see it over and over again, i see it when i used to work, when i kept tyring to force myself i just break down. Its like i cant undersand how it works. Its so hard to explain, i feel restricted and that im doing itwrong and because i cant do it the way that they teach it or people learn it i feel like there is osmehting wrong with me. Idk i think i might have ruined my day by opening that book. Its difficult to explain… creating is freeing and idk idk what im trying to say i cant think right now i just know that i go upset and feel crapy. I feel like i dont fit anywhere. Im not sure what to do. Its not all things. cakes i can follow the directions on cakes. blah i just need to calm down. damn it! i guess i dont know how im supposed to fit into this world. I just dont fit.

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