One of the biggest mistakes I have ever made in my life is now turning out to be one of my greatest accomplishments.
I’m always down on myself for the whole "Mike" saga. But now as I start to realise some things… it actually opening my eyes to different horizons.
I spent so long being with him. Being abused by him, mistreated, mislead… that I lost sight of myself. Who I was, who I had spent so long accomplishing to become. I let him take it all from me – multiple times. I always stayed. I figured… I deserved whatever I was being put through. I deserved the misery and some how he was as good as it was going to get and I loved him. I loved him at the cost of my own sanity.
The other day I talked to him out of the blue. We’ve always sort of… bonded on one another. Molded together to endure whatever. Now that we are apart we’re having to find new ways of dealing, cooping and ways around. For the first time in the history of me knowing him… he made sense! It wasn’t about the mistakes we made. The things we did to eachother. Or any of that – what it all came down to was – we drifted apart. Where as I believe he NEVER loved me or cared for me, cause he did nothing but prove to me other wise by cheating incesently and me retaliating… we simply grew apart.
I always remind myself that he just "wasn’t the one". I know that. Deep down inside me I know it. I’ve always known it. Yet I beat myself up over it. Over us. Over nothing. Over whatever it was that just wasn’t meant to be that I always knew in my heart wasn’t to be. I always think why didn’t I do this or why didn’t I do that? Why couldn’t I just have been a stronger person. But Kevin (my friend) makes a point. Eventually you have to set it all aside. You have too. You have to love someone again. You have to let yourself become open to the fact someone can hurt you, give them the chance but find that they won’t. Find that they will be there to catch you when you fall. Something Mike NEVER did for me. I constantly was catching him when he fell backwards. Assuring him. Nurtering him. Loving him and he never paid me the same courtesy. He couldn’t hold me when I cried and assured me things would be ok. I never remember him doing that, ever. He would hold me when I cried and tell me he would change, he would be a better man for me and he wouldn’t hurt me… but when it came to that he only did those things for me when it came to HIM! So in fact he wasn’t caring for me, looking out for me, loving me… trying to convince me… he was trying to convince himself! He was trying to believe in himself. He had this woman in his arms, who he just kept hurting, kept making her cry and for the life of him he didn’t want to be alone. He didn’t care about letting her down or hurting her… he cared that he was letting himself down and hurting himself that he can’t be a better man!
It all makes sense to me now. I know I have to take the chance. I know I’m not bulletproof, even though I try to be. I’m just not ready to step that way. Not ready to give someone that power. But at least I finally understand.