Today is my four-and-half-month olds first Halloween. She has the most adorable strawberry costume on and looks so cute in it! Rather than enjoy the day with her, like any other father would, I am instead plagued by a disease that has been as persistent and horrible as ever lately.
I have had OCD and secondary depression since I was in my early 20’s (I am 29 now). My obsessions always have predominantly revolved around violence or sexuality. The thoughts of violence always are the same thought. It’s stabbing someone in the throat with either a knife or a pencil. They can be painfully graphic. I see myself doing the thought, then going to jail, losing everything. I also have molestation obsessions, hit and run obsessions, obsessing over licence plates, counting obsessions, etc. For the most part I have been able to control this disease with medication, and some therapy. But in the last two months, this has not been the case.
I have had two huge panic attacks lately, once I have never experienced before. They both happened when I was at home alone with my baby girl. I looked at her and thought how much I loved her, and then got an obsession about stabbing a boy on my block, losing her forever, never seeing her grow up. I started crying, ripping my hair, I thought I was going crazy. I took some attivan and was able to calm down. I have had this violent thought about this boy for a few years now. Her mom and I got into a spat over something and it has been lingering. But never this powerful. I did something I should not have done yesterday and I went over to apologize to her for what happened. She apologized too and we had a good chat. I just wanted to alleviate my anxiety and prove to myself that I was not a bad person. I know though, that long term, that was bad for my ocd.
I know I need to see someone and I have made some e-mails to therapists that specialize in OCD. If I did not have so much to live for, this disease could very easily make me give up. I actually watched a video clip on you tube about a doctor in the United States who specializes in OCD. He was talking about a patient, a 19-year-old boy who had OCD and terminal cancer. The boy told him that if he could choose, he would rather be ocd free for a day, and keep the cancer. To me, that was very powerful.
This disease is the devil. It has the ability to rob me of my happiness and sanity. Right now it is winning. I am trying my best to fight back, but I am definitely losing the battle at the moment.