I slept in quite late again today.. strange thing is I actually didn’t go to bed that late. Through-out the day I still felt incredibly tired, and had a few naps.
I didn’t end up going to the BBQ that I got invited to. I didn’t end up doing any school work either. I didn’t feel like doing much again today. I’m so tired lately.
I was feeling very down last night. I just wanted to drink myself to oblivion. Unfortunatly there was no alcohol in the house, so that didn’t happen. I was finding it very hard to write what I wanted to say. It wasn’t something that I could discribe easily. Is that wierd? On this note I would like to thank "crazigirl" for talking to me in the chat room. Even though I wasn’t much good for company. It was appreciated.
Today I actually invited my best friend Bec over. I hadn’t seen her in a few weeks. Shes 13 weeks pregnant. It was great to see her again. I’m very worried about her. She didn’t look good, and she didn’t seem .. I don’t know…. not herself. Her mum was at my place before she was, and she said that she has been having some bleeding, which isn’t good. She’s worried that she wont even make it through the pregnancy. I hope that she does. Her mum told me that she’s worried that she’ll end up killing herself due to the amout of stress that she has at home. Her brother is a very agressive guy. He is 23. He smokes alot of marijuana, and when he doesn’t have it, he goes mad and just smashes things. He has even hit his mum a few times. He comes into the house everyday screaming and yelling. I’m so worried that one day he’ll just push bec or even hit her and hurt the baby.
So we have decided that we need to get bec out of this house. Otherwise something bad is going to happen. I have decided that i’ll apply for public housing in my name, and then when I get that place, i’ll give it to bec to live in with her boyfriend. I know its totally defrauding the system, but we can’t come up with anything better.So after a few months I’ll put Bec on the lease, then its all legit. That’ll give them somewhere safe for the baby, away from her brother. It’ll give them a good amout of time to save for a house of thier own, which is what they are wanting to do. After that I can have the place for me. Tomorrow I’m going to take the application in.. I’m totally fine with this. She’s like my sister. I’d do anything to make sure shes ok.
I went over to her house, He showed up after a while. I have known this guy for my entire life. He has done things to hurt me. He scares me. When he walked into the room, my heart started pounding. He was yelling and carrying on. I was so scared. I was glad when Bec took me home. I was still shaking when I got home. I can’t belive he affected me soo much, when I have known him forever.
I have an appointment with my P.O tomorrow. He’s going to be mad at me for drinking. I’ll have to lie to him again tomorrow. He wants me to be seeing a Psychcologist. I can’t. i’m not worth the effort. So I lie to him, say I have been. Keeps him happy. One day he’ll want proof. When that day comes i’m going to be in big trouble. Like serious -I could go to jail-trouble.
I don’t know why I find going to see a psychologist so hard. I don’t feel comfortable talking to people face to face about my issues. Get my behind a computer and i’m better. Still not completly open .. but better. I don’t even know that seeing someone actually helps. I mean I went to a few sessions, and I didn’t seem any different. Maybe it works like.. If you believe that your getting something from it, you will.. I don’t know. I don’t deserve any help. Honestly.. i don’t know if there is anything that someone can DO to help. I don’t know..
I had a dream again last night that I was back in the psych hospital. Maybe its just my destiny or something.
All in all.. its been a bad day.