Has anyone heard of that reverse anxiety thing some people exhibit? You know where people are so nervous they over-compensate and push everyone away? I don’t think I’ve met many others like myself however my therapist assures me she has met others.

Because I’m like this I’ve been told I’m bold and brash and friendly and no one ever believes I have a problem. However, when I’m scared to go buy groceries because people look at me funny and how I can’t seem to stop crying or get interested in anything but sleep; I don’t really feel saying I’m ‘ok’ is a fair judgement.

In my life situation I cannot talk to anyone about my so called ‘problems’ seeing as I work side by side with a lot of Psychologists-in-training and hence the stigma is huge; remember these people help ‘us’ but aren’t aloud to be our friends. As i’m sure we all experience, it’s difficult to get close to people when you can’t really open up to them at all.

Sure I’ve got like 3 ‘friends’ however I cannot talk to them. Actually I’ve elluded to the fact thay I may possibly have problems a few times and have been met with silence and a quick change of subject. I know I’m not welcome here, but atleast I can pretend I am.

I tried really hard to stay away from DT today. I made it all the way till this afternoon. But its hard when the only people I can talk to are here. I had theraphy this morning. And I was doing ok, but within 10minutes of leaving I crashed and have been crying since. Do you know what it’s like to sit in your office hopeing no one comes in because you’re crying but at the same time hoping someone does because you really need a shoulder to cry on? I hate it so much. Actually it’s pretty safe to say I hate just about everything.

But I’m all I’ve got; and if no one will stand with me, then damnit; I’ll stand alone.

1 Comment
  1. bummer 12 years ago

    I”ve heard that silence.  It hurts like a mother.  I”ve also been at work on the verge of tears and had no one see through the mask.  The gratitude that you don”t need to open yourself up, combined with bewilderment that you”re so incidental no one can actually see.

    Don”t cut yourself off from dt if this is where you”re finding your voice.  You know you”re welcome with us.

    /me hugs rach!!!

    bummer

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