Maybe I had a chance to be happy once, but that oppportunity has long passed. I think people all had a time where they were genuinely happy. For me, it just feels like I’m living a lie right now. I put on a show for those who perceive me. A fake smile and hardy laugh to hide all the pain, but it just sucks when your depression brings down others. I felt bad today because it feels like I failed as a friend. I tried to be happier but just couldn’t stomach it. Makes me a bad friend, since I just rain on everyone’s parade. It’s stupid… the way I am and all. On here, I feel a little more normal. That I’m not to blame for the way I am… I wouldn’t go so far to blame those that gave me a hard time when growing up. Yeah… they played their role and it made me who I am today. No matter how screwed up I think I am or if I could’ve been happy, it can’t be undone. I might’ve never gotten the chance to meet the people I have so far and I wouldn’t trade it in the world for my pain. I want to believe that for whatever reason all this happened for a reason even if I can’t see it right now. Saying this and living it are two different things. I still feel like dying even though I shouldn’t. I think I forgot how to be alive; to breathe and just live life. The scars are always there to remind me of what I lived through. I’ve failed as a brother, a son, a lover, a friend and as a human. I wish I knew the reasons why all this has happened up to this point. When I read other people’s blogs, I think to myself… I should be stronger and try to help them because they’re suffering too. I want to be of some use… to someone. I want to be a better person for myself. I want to believe I’m compassionate because even though I know I care about people on this site… I don’t believe in myself. I am a living lie. I should’ve died when I was 16… why did they have to revive me? I’ve sinned because the last 7 years never really existed and I gave my friends and family false memories. I should be genuine and passionate in the things I do, but it’s never enough… I feel so dead… despite how hard I try. I’m real aren’t I? I… I… I think maybe I really did die that day and this is just one bad dream. I dunno anymore… I just don’t know who that person is in the mirror. The pain I feel seems like the only thing that makes me know I’m still alive and this isn’t a dream…


1 Comment
  1. inkatobacherry 14 years ago

    Azura you are real. You are so real, no one can write like that who isnt real. Thoes are real feelings, true and honest feelings. You havnt failed, lifes a journey its a path that takes us in different directions. Maybe we are the ones that are chosen to help, maybe we feel more than others because the world has grown cold. People are less compationate and we are the ones who have to see waht happens in life and feels something towards it. Im glad they revived you, Im glad your my friend. We cant hold it together all the time. When you work to hard and push yourself too far we break down. Maybe we are the only real people here because we are the only ones that feel. You havent failed.

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