i wish everything was laid out before me like an outline, so i could know that i could do it, that everything is possible. most of all i wish for someone to share my life with….a best friend…but most preferably a boyfriend….ive never really had one before. its embarrassing to admit. i have always been that awkward shy girl or that "ugly girl" and now that i feel confident about what i could offer a person (even in my own depressed state) i feel all alone in a sea of insencere men who….it will just never work….noone will commit. they will all be attracted to my looks, my body, and not want to get to know me….when i know that i am a person that is worth getting to know.

there is a boy…..terry. he has been in a class of mine last year and we have a lecture together this year. i accidentally sat next to him and he recognized me, reintroduced himself from the last class we had together. we saw each other accidentally at a bar and talked for a while. it was fun. i do not know how i feel about him…if i am attracted to him….off the bat let me say i am vain..

my friends call him "overweight"…the kind of guy that would be a loser in highschool. guys tell me they cannot understand why i would give time to a guy that is "so below my level"…whatever that means….i just want somebody. i want somebody to be there with me, to give to and receive in return. i am all alone here and i want a partner in crime, and part of me thinks….what if i end up not feeling sexually attracted to terry? he is kind and confident, and he is a someone when i have noone.

this is all of course, ignoring the fact that he may not be attracted to me. he said another guy in our class wanted me "so bad" and thats why people talked to me….does that include him? do i want it to include him?

i am so sick of the lies and the games. if a guy just wants to fuck me he should just say it and not pretend like its something else. if a guy likes me he should make the effort to get to know me….during the day time, not at 11pm when he starts drinking….is that so hard?

ALSO….have started taking ambein…im on day 13 and ever since i have been taking it…i feel off….when i try to write my letters start out okay and then it looks like im writing with the wrong hand. i feel unusually hazy…and that's saying something seeing as i have been perscribed xanax in the past. i cant write notes in class anymore, i need a laptop, its even harder to get up in the morning and as soon as i take my pills this foggy distraction comes over me…has anyone else taken ambein and had weird side effects? anything you have to say regarding that would REALLY HELP. anyway thanks for listening…