Just tonight my cousin who was feeling very low for the past year or so, and I noticed for awhile, but it was very clear that she didn’t want to talk about it, but today, she revealed to me what she’d been going through some very rough times, and had tears in her eyes. Because I know how it feels and am experiencing the same thing (and more), I told her I understood and opened up to her and told her a lot about myself and how I’ve checked myself in to counselling last year, etc. I told her I have depression and I told her about a couple things about my friends and how I feel about them, and the same about my family and what I feel about them…I told her a lot about my situation with depression….And guess what? By the end of the evening together, I feel regret for ever having told her. I told myself time after time, on the occasions that I have revealed to people about my depression, that I will not tell anymore people because I always end up feeling regretful. I regret telling her because she doesn’t seem to understand me. I don’t know…I tell her what I think, and she doesn’t believe that things are the way they are with my friends or family…and I have considered that that may be the case, that I have “distorted thinking,” but it just feels like I am not being understood, and I just feel embarrassed about having shared these thoughts. I hold nothing against her for saying that, cuz I know she could be just saying that to make me feel better (probably), and telling me how she views things from an objective point of view…but I just don’t feel that there’s any comfort in having told her my problems. She said more than once, “Maybe we’re not good together cuz we’re both negative.” At first I thought she was just commenting that, but now it just hit me that there must’ve been some significance to her saying that more than once. Why did I tell her? Don’t I ever learn? Again, I thought she’d understand and that there’d be a connection with us, and I thought that we’d be closer and be supports to each other, but we aren’t (because something else was said), and I was thinking that there’d be some comfort to her if she knew somebody else was going through the same thing, etc. Nevermind. I didn’t even feel like talking about my problems, but I did anyways, probably so that I could get some relief. But no. These days I just feel so withdrawn, and that everything’s a chore. I’m like a vegetable, with a void in my gaze if I let myself relax. I’m soo exhausted. I hate waking up in the morning and having reality look me in the face. I’ve been looking forward to this one-week break from school, and I know that it’s going to speed right by, and I’m not going to be able to rest like I want to, cuz there’s so much to do! If my mind doesn’t rest (me worrying about tests and assignments) I can forget about feeling rested by the end of the break. And it’s getting so much harder to keep my new year’s resolution of “not thinking negatively.” I’m disappointing myself right now, cuz I keep letting all those negative thoughts that I tell myself to be said in my head. I feel like scrapping that resolution. Then there’s the other side of me that says I should start again, and try again. It’s so hard to divert myself from feeling so sad when nothing is fun/appealing to me anymore. I’m just so tired that I don’t want to do anything! I’ve given myself enough days to just relax…SO MUCH TO DO! I just thought something negative again about myself, but I just didn’t write it. ARGH!

1 Comment
  1. ziquester 14 years ago

    Hey there..I think your cousin came to you to talk about her problems with the notion that nothings wrong with your life and that you’d be able to handle it.
    Pretty scary to tell family or relatives you are not well because sooner or later everyone might find out and well you’d feel bad about it and alone.
    Gosh im so sleepy..lol.But anyway um you cannot just say you will stop thinking negative thoughts..sometimes you cannot help but think it.Theres some meditation tricks you can learn that can help you control what you think or push away bad thoughts.It really does help but heres a little tip..in everything you say,try using more positive words than negative.
    Oh man..my brain is wanting to shut down,ill try and write more later hun:D But take care.

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