i was trying to find a blog or someone to talk to. I am new to this online stuff but i heard it works. Well here it goes am deeply depression and panic attacks that i have never had in all my 36 years intil a year and a half ago. It all started june 03 08 The day started out as any other day. I was over at my parents house which is only 3blocks up the road we are (were) a very close family. My Dad owned his business and i had worked there for 5 years with him any way that day we were all outside working and everything was fine laughing and joking around when the day ended my dad had to go to the other yard with my husband and the day would be done. Well i went inside to talk to my mom which i took care of most the time because she was sick with copd on oxygen 24-7 and couldnt get around to well. We were sitting at the table and called my dad to see if i needed to put up stuff that was left out side he said no chuckled alittle and said goodbye. 5 min later my husband called and said my dad passed out to call 911 need least to say it was to late he had a massive heart attack. My world fall apart at that very moment and for the rest of my life . Then my mom passed away 9mo later. Now there is no parents and no job moved to a new state where my sisters live which we get along better when we are far apart. I have three boys all teenagers and my moms brother that is mental challenge my life is so stressful i sleep almost all day then just stay in my room. The doc has me on Zolft that dont work anymore and clozapam 3 times a day but only take at night. i just want to be my old self go and do things or just get out of bad. Does this go away i really dont see no end in sight almost every night i dream of there deaths over and over and its like re living it morning. Im going to start to make goals small ones at first then move up. I just need someone to talk to cause really i have no friends and my sister dosnt like talking about it. I go thursday to phyc. maybe this will help. IF ANYONE HAS ANY IDEAS OR SUGGESTION TO HELP please let me know Thanks for taking the time to read this. aw