So…I didn't post an entry last night,sorry but I was just wiped and not feeling well and just…ugh…

Here's alittle how yesterday went, Mom and dad had a fight (luckily I was sleeping during this time) and the rest of the day was just…quiet. I stayed in my room and did what I usually do.

Then, mom wanted to get me and my brother out of the house for awhile that night, so I was forced to go see the 'Men In Black 3' movie w/them…though it was a good movie but It was beyond packed…..

Like the whole fucking world was at the movies sunday night, I had huge panic attack which yet again I kept hidden. Then after the movie mom wanted to take us to marble slab for a treat, good god is she trying to kill me?

I ended up getting the smallest cup they had of non-fat frozen yogurt with blueberries…even then it felt like I was eating the titanic.

When we got home, I went to the bathroom and purged….and it bad….in total of all of sunday I ended up purging 50 times…..

Now today, I had my appointment with Beth, (my shrink) and that didn't really help. the office was PACKED today, so I was shivering like a leaf. When she came out to call me back to her office I literally ran in.

I won't go into details of the appointment though, I don't feel like it…

But today i've been feeling so sick, just drained, and I have this 'fuzzy' feeling. and serious nausea (though i'm used to that) my stomach is killing me, and I feel like i'm going to hurl despite the fact there's nothing but water in my stomach.

I had to pause writing this because I was just hurling it all up again. Anyway, I cut again today after all my anxiety and I even carved the words "worthless" and "ugly" on my thighs.

and left two burn marks on my shoulder. I'm also stressing again because Wednesday I'm seeing Kim and Maddie again to go to universal, and I just know how crowded that place is going to be, and again compared to them i'm SO disgusting..

Also, Griffon sent me another message on IM chat again. I'm trying not to be like I was towards him, to give him a chance since he also felt frustrated when I push him away but, again i'm worried what if he's just playing me?

and scared because of my feelings for him, I think i've fallen for him. But I know better then to ever think I could be with someone, I'm unlovable..

I have way to many thoughts swelling inside my head,and after taking more pills my 'fuzzy' feeling is worse. So i think that's it for now….I hope everyone else had a good day…

The tribe is always in my thoughts and prayers…

  1. Chantale 9 years ago

    Thinking of you…take care.

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  2. miti 9 years ago

    Why are you forced you to go to the places that make you so uncomfortable? I often wonder if it is that your parents don\'t understand how you feel, or do you go because you think you should? It sounds like you go out alot – do you ever enjoy it? Not being nosy, just curious about what it is that puts you in these positions that make you so unhappy. . . I hope you have a good day today, and that nobody put pressure on you to do something that you don\'t want to do. . . JUST SAY NO!

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