I'm sad. I'm frustrated. I'm worried to death. My boyfriend just came home & said his boss called him into his office today to say he'd have to take a pay cut & may have to find a job else where. He's a Faculty Assistant Professor Bio-Chemistry Research Scientist. So it's not like he can just go on criagslist & find another job. Government grants have been slashed dramatically & the running for private funding is cutthroat & arbitrary. I'm unable to hold down a job & while not on true disability, if I got a job I would lose my state run health insurance. My past work history makes it impossible to get a job that could even begin to pay for the doctor bills I have. So there is no incentive to even look for one. I don't know what to do. I'm terrified. I already do what I know to save money. I buy on sale & generic. I clip coupons. I get gas from my supermarket affiliate (our car is 14 yrs old & I only drive when I have to buy groceries). I grow my own herbs. I make my own soap. I cut up old magazines to make my own postcards. I reuse & recycle everything. The last thing I bought for myself was a spool of thread. I'm using that to mend a hole in a shirt I bought at the thrift store last winter. Our cable/phone package, while not entirely bare bones, is the least we absolutely have to have. While I know it's going to be our "dancing" money that's going to have to reigned in that's going to be hard. I'm relatively new to this town & my social anxieties have kept me from making many friends. So if I have to cut me going out down anymore I might as well just never leave the house. Yeah, that's real healthy.

My boyfriend is not from this country. While he's lived here most of his life he's not a citizen. If he cannot get funding he can't keep his job. If he doesn't have a job he can't stay in this country. And this is where it gets sticky. I love him & I know he loves me but I really don't know why he's with me. I'm a financial & psychological liability. He's made it very clear he never wants to get married or have kids. His sister is the same way so I don't take it personally, neither one of us believes in marriage. And I can't have children. I don't have family or money so marrying me to stay in the country makes no sense. Now, if it all comes down to it & he HAS to leave the country the only way I can move there is if I'm married to him. The outcome of that discussion has been a source of extreme stress for me since day one. Even with his limited options he still has them. If I can't come along w/ him wherever he goes I'm screwed. My biggest fear is for the moment of truth to arrive & to see his eyes falter. Yes, I would behomeless & destitutebut worse I would beheartbroken. He is a good man & I can't imagine him actually shrugging his shoulders but if it were to show in his eyes the faintest shadow of regret I would be crushed. I would never be able to look him or myself in the eye ever again. I can't even think of many ways to make it worth his while to be with me NOW, imagine what I'd feel I'd need to do justify being married. God, that sounds awful & not just a little surreal. While I know we, as human beings, deserve to be loved for who we are; putting my hands on my hips & spitting on the ground doesn't save for retirement. I'm becoming more upset & depressed the more I talk about this so I'm just going to stop.


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