Well technically right now I should be working on school but I cant motivate myself….I need to teach myself better discipline. But I am having one of those days where your thoughts just come endlessly so I need to blog to sort it out, kind of. I dont know. I've been writing my Fanfiction since July and now I am on chapter 41 by chapter 45 it will be done. I've lived through and for this fanfic for quite some time and I do not know what I will do when I finish it because it was kind of a way to channel my daydreams and give me an excuse to day dream.

It occured to me last night while I tried and failed to get some sleep that I have no friends. I mean I have friends but one is my sister and the other is across the world. What I am trying to get at is my social highlight of the week is talking to the librarian, shes probably 5 years older than me and we have a good time just chatting but I dont even talk to my best friend that much anymore and she has been my best friend since kindergarten. But my style changed and i got all depressed and we just kind of grew apart I guess. Supposedly now I'm more gothic or scene or emo or whatever the hell you wanna call it because I've been called all of those things. Why can't I just be called Taysia?

I really should be on school I have chemistry lessons to do, geography hoemwork and a government test and geometery lessons which I'm falling behind again, and english story to read and a culture I have to invent for Milenial studies. But the problem is I have so much to do I don't know where to start so i just came on here. which is dumb. Sometimes I hate beiing in online school because I have to motivate mself which is really hard. But most the time I love it. even though I have comepletely isolated myself.

Oh and another thing the guy I thought I liked again who was another one of my exes is actually now out of my head, don't know why that minor thing came about but it did and it has passed so thank god and to everyone who told me it would pass- you were right!

As my mom points out every day I'm not a normal teenager and I want to tell her maybe its because you and dad's divorce that you got caught up in forced me to grow up too fast so now look at me. I grew up at 8 years old when I lost my papaw and my grandma Rosemary and my happy family. No wonder I'm different. No wonder I always bet on the worst to happen- because its the safer option. No wonder I am depressed and invisible and isolated and not a single member of my family realizes antything is wrong with me.

I guess i'll just always be the lonely nerdy girl with a wierd sense of style and go into a career that will inevitably fail within the first 5 years if not sooner. Fun.


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