Brittini really shocks me more and more every single day with all of the little things she does. Yesterday, she made me realize something about myself that I had never thought true. I worry too much about what other people think. I used to think that I truly didn't give a .fuck what other people though, but that's not the case at all. I always talk about how unlikely we must seem to some people and there are times when I think she could do so much better than me. When she asks why I feel that way, I always tell her that it's because she's in the Navy and a surgical tech and her family and friends most likely don't see me as a fit husband for her. While she's currently in Italy working and building her military career, I'm sitting here rotting in a downward spiral. Collection agencies, kicking alcoholism, work-related stress, trying to save the money to go see her, dealing with the horrid fact that I live at my parents' house against my will. These are qualities that no woman should have to expect from a man. I feel like being myself is not good enough for her, despite how much she tells me she loves me. When I met her grandmother, she refused to acknowledge me. I don't have the body of a military guy, nor the income. There's so much about me that I hate only because I'm scared of how her family is going to look at us. All of her exes are the exact opposite of me and her family loved them. I feel like such a failure knowing that they're comparing me to her ex fiance. He was .fucking military poster boy and I'm shit. I sit at a desk for 30 hours a week and then turn around and give 90% of it to the debt collectors. Just what the hell am I? Sometimes, I really wonder what the hell I'm doing here.
Anyway… She loves me and that's all that matters, right? I just wish I could love myself a little more.