So I haven't written a blog in awhile.  I have been feeling pretty good.  I had even opened my curtains and let some light in.  But today…last night really when I couldn't sleep the emptiness just weemed to wash over me. and the curtains are closed again. I did go for a walk witht he dog with the hopes that it would make me feel better…it did feel good pysically but it did not stop the littany in my head.  I am so sick of worrying…about money, about the fact that I have to serrender my license plate for my car for 60days and will be carless.  How am I going to take care of doctors appointments with a doctor and a hoapital that is over an hour away and I need to have 2 surgeries.  Worried about the surgeries too, and how I will get there and who will help me around the house after because I will not be able to do everything myself.  one of the surgeries is on my hand and I won't even be able to open a jar of peanut butter ot a can of tuna.  I am worries about getting the rental assistance that I applied for, they said I was eligible but its taking forever and my rent is about 85% of my monthly income.  It leaves me with nothing,

I was talking to my therapist about how ironic that I miss my Mom so much since she died when whe didn't have such a great home relationship.  She didn't look out for me as a kid and stand up for me to my mean stepfather and I could not explain it I told her I missed things like cralling in bed with her in the morning and both of us lying there reading.  But I realized…she may not have protected me from Herb but she did protect me from the world.  Don't get me wrong I was not sheltered and am very worldly but she was always a security, home, wherever I was.  I miss that.  Now there is no home, no security, just me and I am very unreliable.  I hate being alone and having no one to turn to.  Some one who is like you are 25 dollars short for a Phish ticket…here let me give it to you…Someone to take me out to lunch everyonce in awhile just to talk and see how I am doing.  Someone to rely on to make sure I got to the doctors appointments that I need to get to without even blinking an eye.  My Mom and I talked eeryday and I miss that.  I could really use to talk to her today…I would give anything to be able to call her and talk to her about how lost and confused I am with all of this health insurance crap and switching doctors. And that I am scared to death about it and the main supporter in my life when it came to the outside world is gone.  I want to talk to my Mom so bad…