Just watching this movie called "i'm a syborg.. but thats ok".. It's actually a korean film. Basically set in a psych ward. Very odd movie.. but strangly interesting. Its like half fantasy, then half real. Idk.. strange but real in a way.
Had a really rough night last night. alot of suicidal thoughts and SI thoughts, and pretty much outright bad. I was chatting to a couple of friends for a while, but it just got to the point when I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't talk. So I layed down on the bed, but on the radio and let my mind run rampant.
Had to go out with mum today to the shopping centre to get a netball skirt for my little sister. I hated everymoment of it. While mum was in a store getting a drink of coke, a ambulance officer walked past. I starred at him. All I was thinking is " I wonder if it would be him that would have save me when I OD". I was like in a daydream, it was almost like I could see him there, above me, in an ambulance trying to save me… and I hated it. I hated the fact that he was trying to save me. All this while sitting on a seat in a crowded shopping centre. I must have looked strange cause I was like.. Daydreaming in a way. Mum had to litterally stand infront of me before I woke up out of it.
Speaking of dreams.. had a few strange one's last night. I didn't sleep well at all.. kept on waking every couple of hours. I had the radio on, so I'd just listen to that for a while and fall back to sleep, anyway At one point I was having this dream that I was about to get in a fight with someone who almost hit my car. I was about to throw the punch, when I woke to the pain of my fist punching the wall near my head. Go figure. I guess I actually was acting out the punch or something. It actually hurt! sure woke me up.. well for a while anyway.
I have therapy tomorrow. I'm terrified. Even though i've seen her a few times now, After the events of the last few days, i just don't feel like talking. I don't know if any notes have been added to my file, and to be quite honest, i'm starting to feel quite paranoid about my file. I want to read it. I want to know who's reading it. I want to know everything about it. I want to burn it. I don't feel like talking about feelings, or moods or anything. is that wrong? to just get to a point where you just had enough with the talking? like talking isn't going anywhere. Its just words… and sometimes there are simply not enough of the right words to say.