Well I've been attempting to fit in at my new job.  Somehow I don't feel as if I belong.  Perhaps it is the feeling of the world standing still as everyone goes about their lives while mine has come to a stand still.  I say this for a couple of reasons.

1. I'm still at the hospital/ hetu unit where I recieved my initial treatment for being diagnosed with HIV.  I've been told that I will be staying here at the hospital till march of 2011 should I choose to stay in. Talk about confinement with an invisible tether.

2. My co-workers (who Have NO CLUE) tell me go home relax after work as I'm the last one to leave. What home,  Barracks room or the office…. not much of a choice.  I could apply for the psyche ward.  Change in the wall coloring. lol.  Besides the office offers more entertainment as at least the computer is a friend, alebiet silent.  But still a friend who is non judgemental and uncaring as to who I am. Comforting in a sick sense of the word. lol.

3. My family, for the most part, is still clueless.  Not sure it would be a good idea right now to tell the rest of what little family I actually have left.  Probably never.  You know the condemnation/ disown concept.  That's a sure bet with a family like mine.  Worthless for the most part. 

5.On a good note, I seem to be fairly level.  Lots more mood swings than a month ago.  Maybe my mind is comming to terms with it.  Maybe I am .  Then again Talking to Doctors, nurses, case workers, and social workers at the HETU/ Hospital I am at doesn't help as they have done nothing to help me out billet wise.  They don't care, in my personal opinion, that they have sentenced me to a guilded cage.  I think on a professional level they are keeping me here so they have a long term patient. 

What are they going to do if I don't show up.  Kick me out, shoot me for forcing a check point, I don't care.  Besides this uniform I wear means less and less each day after the way I've been treated.  Go figure, Serve your Country, go to War, come back – oh You have HIV, see ya at the hospital for the rest of your career, what little is left.  Nice, really nice.  Screw the FUBAR Bear as it screws you. 

I'm done with this and very much over a lot of it.  I almost would have been better off if I hadn't made it back from Ramadi.  Wish I hadn't.  That may sound crazy, but if you have been over there you might understand.  Nothing is the same as when I left, and the silence hasn't gone away like they said it would.  The silence is always there.  Drowning it doesn't work.  That and the HIV together.  It's like Satan with a 50cal point to make.  Crazy.  But me; I'm not.  I'd like to think I am sane, hope I am, but I guess that is up to debate as well these days. 

 So after all is done and said  That's how I've been feeling this week.  Feel better now that I got that out.  Time for another smoke.  Have fun.

1 Comment
  1. Author
    prettybiggirl 15 years ago

    ooh Doogie, you sound  so  down   and depressed I am so sorry! I dont understand why you got to stay there in that hospital so long?? will you tell  me why?  I can understand what you mean about your family, many of us face the same kind as well.  My heart goes out for you, I know  what your dealing with is   the hardest thing you  probabley have ever had to deal with. If I could reach my arms out to  grab you and hold you tight I would for a very long time.  I felt like you did some 22 yrs ago, things change, life goes  on  and then one day  it  dont even matter.  I know thats so hard to understand and I just  know that it sounds crazy but it happens.  Get  some rest, and  write me  ok?  Big hugs  Vickie

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