People self harm for different reasons. I don't know how mine specificallyoccurred..okay actually i lied. it was my first day at a new job and i was nervous as hell, countless things went wrong. I was cutting lining paper with a very sharp blade. I got SO stressed, in tears and everything and in desperation i held the blade against my wrist and cut. i felt oddly relieved afterwards. So whenever i got upset i would reach out for for this blade. I thought it would just be a phase but somehow i got it into my head that its ok, so after a week or so my arms, left arm in particular looked a bloody mess! Awkward huh..because in my other job i have to wear a t-shirt! i started covering my cuts with make-up and paint! Not one of my brightest ideas, it wasn't until i text my friend who said it could get infected, did i start to worry. I guess this was my punishment, I didn't self harm for a week or so after this and my cuts gradually started to fade, they were almost clear but something else came along to upset me, i can't remember what but it got to me! and i cut my arms furiously, worse than before! And then next thing i know it spring came along acting like summer so out came the t-shirts..oh dear. it hit me, about a week ago, my legs? easier to hide..and i already had an excuse ready: "i walked through some brambles". Last cuple of days its been shorts&t-shirts weather!!oh dear oh dear..my cuts were blantently visible in the sunlight.

This is why i write this blog. I don't know how to stop, i've got nobody to talk to, nowhere to run&hide, nowhere near enough courage to go back to my doctor, and a boyfriend who irritates the hell out of me most the time.
My next topic..i guess this should be in a second blog really but, im on a roll now so mustn't stop!
Don't you just hate it when you think something great has come along and it just turns out to be a lie..a fake..not what you expect?! i think i can answer this for all of us, YES.
I suffer from severe social anxiety so it's awfully hard for me to be a 'normal' teenager (i'm 19) i mean like go out and socialise, meet new people make new friends etc. So i settle with online contact which is also turning out to be for the worse.
Turns out one 'friend' has had enough and wants to run away to india/thailand!! (he left for spain today)..i was gutted.
Another 'friend' this time i was truely convinced i'd found my twin! he promised me he's always here for me..always huh? WHERE ARE YOU NOW CLAYTON?! im so disappointed!
And finally Bill.. i thought i'd found somebody who understand what i'm going through! NOT, doesn't understand me atall..sad really.
i know your probably thinking, wait there all guys. and yes they're all older than me.
i guess i look up to them for comfort.
But someday i'm going to have to face the world alone,.
and im scared shitless.
SO lets conclude this.
I have no friends, my futur prospects suck, i'm skint, and im absolutely scared stiff and intimidated by..oh everything.
I have never felt so lonely.
I hope that one day somebody will read this and understand my story..that's all i ever want.

3 Comments
  1. naomijane 11 years ago

     Hi, thanks for commenting.

    i'm not too sure if i like the idea of self harm either! but its become a habit now so im sort of stuck with it. Trust me i'm trying to find healthier ways to express myself, like writing this blog for example. it's just when im alone usually after being around people all day i need some 'me time' and thats when things go downhill for me. of course i feel fustrated at myself, i feel it 24/7

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  2. galloping_sam 11 years ago

     hey there, 

    Firstly I want to say good on you for blogging this! It's hard sometimes to find the strength and even the energy to write about it – for me, anyway. I have problems with hot weather too. People ask a lot of questions when I'm the only one in long sleeves and jeans. 

    I'm 16 and have been cutting for about 5 years I think. But I have hurt myself in different ways for as long as I can remember. As for your social anxiety, I get where you're coming from there because I have a social anxiety disorder. 

    With the friends you have mentioned..It's a tough one because some people just dont GET it. They might want to help desperately and be there for you, but I don't think anyone who doesn't SH can ever really understand it or the feelings different people feel to trigger it. Hell, even I don't understand my own triggers most of the time I don't think. It sounds like you really need/want someone you can talk to all of this about without them leaving. And the more people that leave the harder it gets to trust again, ey?!

    So you've said you're scared about ..well, a lot of things. But the way I see that is that it's a challenge – or a heap of challenges if that's how you are. How great will you feel about yourself if and when you tell that fear to stick it, and you push past to reach your goal. Even if it's something small. Your future prospects don't suck, you just haven't yet found what you're looking for in life

    I'm not feeling so great right now, and there are so many thoughts I feel I need to respond to you with, but nothing is coming out right at the moment. I guess I just want to say that you're stronger than you think, you CAN do it with or without these people if you have to, and it will work out. The fact that you want to stop cutting is a massively awesome thing in a crappy situation. I saw your comment below about needing 'me time' and going downhill at this time – I'm the same there. 

    I'm younger than you, I know, but I'm the same in the way that all my friends are guys and older too. And I'd like to think my voice still matters even though I'm not an adult. Sometimes I do wonder. 

    It's not the same as having someone you know well to talk to, but just know that if you ever want to talk the offer's here. Maybe we could swap some stories and share some 'coping' strategies. Your call. I'll keep an eye out for your blogs from now on anyway

    Take care ๐Ÿ™‚
     

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  3. naomijane 11 years ago

     Thanks alot for your comments.  Galloping_sam. i'd love to talk some more with you ๐Ÿ™‚ do you have msn or anything? 

    i had a rare day off yesterday and i went to the beach with my mum, boyfriend and my sister.. i had such a nice day! cheered me up loads. but back to reality now.. just finished a 9 hour shift, and got 10 hour shifts up till tuesday now ๐Ÿ™ i hate it..pressure is unbelievable!

    im sorry to hear you've felt like this for so long..its very tough to be a teenager nowadays :p ive got a few months left of it! but im not getting my hopes up..not much will change i reckon. 

    and thanks littleangel im thankful for what you have to say ๐Ÿ™‚ hope your well peeps xx

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