People self harm for different reasons. I don't know how mine specificallyoccurred..okay actually i lied. it was my first day at a new job and i was nervous as hell, countless things went wrong. I was cutting lining paper with a very sharp blade. I got SO stressed, in tears and everything and in desperation i held the blade against my wrist and cut. i felt oddly relieved afterwards. So whenever i got upset i would reach out for for this blade. I thought it would just be a phase but somehow i got it into my head that its ok, so after a week or so my arms, left arm in particular looked a bloody mess! Awkward huh..because in my other job i have to wear a t-shirt! i started covering my cuts with make-up and paint! Not one of my brightest ideas, it wasn't until i text my friend who said it could get infected, did i start to worry. I guess this was my punishment, I didn't self harm for a week or so after this and my cuts gradually started to fade, they were almost clear but something else came along to upset me, i can't remember what but it got to me! and i cut my arms furiously, worse than before! And then next thing i know it spring came along acting like summer so out came the t-shirts..oh dear. it hit me, about a week ago, my legs? easier to hide..and i already had an excuse ready: "i walked through some brambles". Last cuple of days its been shorts&t-shirts weather!!oh dear oh dear..my cuts were blantently visible in the sunlight.
This is why i write this blog. I don't know how to stop, i've got nobody to talk to, nowhere to run&hide, nowhere near enough courage to go back to my doctor, and a boyfriend who irritates the hell out of me most the time.
My next topic..i guess this should be in a second blog really but, im on a roll now so mustn't stop!
Don't you just hate it when you think something great has come along and it just turns out to be a lie..a fake..not what you expect?! i think i can answer this for all of us, YES.
I suffer from severe social anxiety so it's awfully hard for me to be a 'normal' teenager (i'm 19) i mean like go out and socialise, meet new people make new friends etc. So i settle with online contact which is also turning out to be for the worse.
Turns out one 'friend' has had enough and wants to run away to india/thailand!! (he left for spain today)..i was gutted.
Another 'friend' this time i was truely convinced i'd found my twin! he promised me he's always here for me..always huh? WHERE ARE YOU NOW CLAYTON?! im so disappointed!
And finally Bill.. i thought i'd found somebody who understand what i'm going through! NOT, doesn't understand me atall..sad really.
i know your probably thinking, wait there all guys. and yes they're all older than me.
i guess i look up to them for comfort.
But someday i'm going to have to face the world alone,.
and im scared shitless.
SO lets conclude this.
I have no friends, my futur prospects suck, i'm skint, and im absolutely scared stiff and intimidated by..oh everything.
I have never felt so lonely.
I hope that one day somebody will read this and understand my story..that's all i ever want.