I'm back.

The past week has been really wierd for me.  I've been in the depths of dispair with my relationship on the verge of throwing it all in to take time out and rediscover myself.

Last saturday I went out with a couple of friends, I say friends one is my sisters boyfriend the other is my cousens boyfriend. I was just gonna stay in as I had to go back to work on Monday, and was meant to move out on Sunday from the house I've shared with my wife for the past 7 years.

But rather than stay in and threat about Monday I decided to go out and just be me. No worrying, no responsibility, no regrets, for that moment anyway.

I'm glad I did, I for some reason found a confidence I haven't felt in a very long time. It was ok to look at other women and smile. Usually I don't look at anyone, and have this negative energy that I think I project on everyone. But Saturday night I was smiling, happy, not down, not sad, just out for a good time and not feeling bad.

It was good, no great… For so long I've felt ugly and that no one else would ever find me attractive, so self conscious that I could not talk to anyone in a club or bar, even go out for that matter.

Ok the alochol, made a difference  but I think I really re-awakened a part of the old me, I don't know what did it, but both my friends said the same, the real me is coming through.

We had a great night, I talked to a few girls and was a bit naughty but it was just fun, truly fun for once.

Anyway, sunday came and my wife came home after going out on a night with her friends too, this was the crunch time, knowing that I wasn't really bothered if I went or stayed, I'd had enough of the battle, love isn't a battle after all, if it is then its not love.

So we decided that we should give it a week if things didn't change or my feelings didn't change then it would be over.

Monday came, and I was petrified about going back to work after 6 weeks of being off sick and all the turmoil that I'd been through during that time.

So I went back to work no-one was really bothered, they now all know why I was off, its in the open my anxiety and I no longer care. Its now I realise that however I feel its not soo terrible a thing I make it out to be. I used to think that if anyone knew they would think I'm mad, 2 sticks short of a plank, a psycho, a freak, etc.

But I don't care anymore, and going back to work wasn't soo bad.

I've even been making the effort to go into the canteen, which I used to avoid after getting so anxous and self conscouis about people noticing I'm shaking or scared.

All this week other than Monday, I've been in the canteen, even though my hands shake, I don't care.  I think everyone knows soo its no longer such a big thing.

And I also now that the more I do the things I've avoided for soo long the easier and better it will get so I'm gonna do just that from now on I'm going to do all the things I've avoided for so long no matter how I feel.

I just wanted to let this out because all the shit I've been through recently, trying to kill myself and my whole world falling apart due to fear, fear its stupid.

But now i'm not going back to that dark and terrible place, i'm going to push on through, no more of my life am I going to live as a passer by.

I'm back and I'm me, like me, hate me, from now on I don't care.

I'm going to get better and thats it full stop.

I'm getting too old to miss out.

Anway don't know what else to say, I've missed myanxiety cus I have grown to think I know many people I speak to on hear as friends, so from now on I'm gonna transfer some of my positive energy on to you and help as many people through as I can.

We can all learn from each other and thats what its all about, connecting with people and making a difference to someones life, be it through the net, in person, as friends, etc.

I've given up giving up.