I thought it would be good news that I had decreased my Klonopin from 4 mg to 1 mg per day (over a six moth period of time)
I thought it would be good news that I had decreased my Prozac from 60 mg down to 20 mg per day (over a six month period of time)
I thought it was a good thing that I have been consistently going to therapy twice a week for the past eight months.
I thought the Psychiatrist would have encouraging news and ideas for me to deal with my anxiety MINUS the medications.
I was wrong.
Instead I was chastised for tapering off my medications, which he recommended, my medications were once again increased.
I was informed my work with the therapist was not “enough of the hard work”.
I was told to go out into the world and do everything that makes me panic, force myself to do the unimaginable.
I came home defeated, unheard, dismissed, and full of emotions that overflowed uncontrollably.
I just went to bed. Wishing the dawn of a new day would shed some positive light on…. well…. anything.
Once again I was wrong.
Today feels like all the days before starting therapy. Paralyzing. I do not want to get out of bed. All the menial tasks of life are too overwhelming. I just want to be left alone. Two steps forward and three steps back.
I am afraid of what tomorrow will feel like. Will I be hiding in the closet next?
I have a very supportive and understanding husband, but this robs him of time with me. I also have a six year old that needs her Mother. How do I make myself available to her if I can’t keep it together?
Today is here so I guess I deal with it one breath at a time.
Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Hold. Repeat.