I saw my doctor today and left feeling worse than when I entered.

As my title says, I'm depressed. I'm not stupid. I don't need logical, factual answers to my statements. When I say, "My job stresses me out, I wish I could stay home and curl into a ball" I'm not seriously saying I believe I should be able to do this. I am saying that the urge to cry in the bathroom or just run away is overwhelming. I know jobs are hard to come by these days, I know we need to work to live, I know the next job I have won't necessarily be better, I know this, I know. So when my doctor gave me all this as an answer – like it's going to solve my depression and anxiety because I'd never thought of it before – I didn't know what to say or do. Clearly she doesn't get it. Her RN was a lot more understanding.

But oh, she went a step further – when I said that my schedule was wearing me out, she said, "Well, five days in a row IS normal…" I didn't know this either… I feel like my job is different, though. Actually, I know it is. When you think of a 40 hour a week job, you generally envision 40 predictable hours. Mine vary. Some days I'm in early, some days I'm out late. It's exhausting trying to keep up. Between that, the fact that I can't predict the days I'll be in, and the drastic shift my schedule is going through under new management, my life no longer feels like my own. I went from working 2/3 days, having 1 off, and then working 2/3 more to working 4 or 5 in a row. All 40 of those hours are on my feet, constantly moving, averaging 9k+ steps a day. This is not what most people think of when they think "40 hour work week". You work to live, you live to work, it's all there is. One of my managers once said, "The store really sucks right now. So does my life…but that's because the store IS my life…"

And to polish this story off – not only was she almost an hour late to our appointment but she never called in my medication. So now I have to wait to call her tomorrow before I can even start it.

I have a meeting with a therapist tomorrow; I only hope she's more understanding. I think I'll preface our meeting with, "I already know all the 'logical' answers, they won't help." I'll be polite, of course, but I'd like to skip all the, "You're an idiot, let me show you why" answers that don't solve anything. If she can't skip all that shit, I'm out the door.


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