Hello to no one, anyone, someone, whoever is out there.
This is my first time here, and all i can say is… I am scared. So deeply scared.
How is it that so many of us feel like this? I thought that seeing other people feeling the same would give me a sense of community. But it just leaves me hopeless… Thinking there’s so many of us out here and we can’t find a cure. So, what is the point? What is life for somebody with depression? What is life for people like us?
Can we ever be happy? Is happiness a feeling that will stay with us? A feeling that does not need to be faked by medicine?
Perhaps I am searching for something that isn’t there. Perhaps, I need more commitment to my own self to be happy. Or, perhaps, because of my depression, it gets harder and harder to find motivation to get out of this. Whatever it is causing this, whatever is making me waste my life with this feeling of nothingness, i have something to say: I HATE YOU. I hate you passionately for taking my years and my brain power, for taking my thoughts, and for little by little eating away at me and leaving nothing left. I once said depression feels like an avocado without a pit; it leaves a whole within you that nothing seems to fill.
After years and years of therapy and medicine, all i can hope is that one day, this will be something of the past. That some day, I can be somebody with a personality described by more than “depressed”. I will forever be grateful for the lesson learned, the pain suffered, and the empathy I’ve developed towards others who feel similarly to me. But depression, if you’re listening, I wouldn’t miss you for a second.