hi. so before i start crying with these words i'm about to type, i want to say i don't care who's spying on me anymore. =) don't mind a bit. i'm so sad. it's 4 am and i can't sleep! EVER! i can only sleep when people are beginning to wake up, during the morning hours when most people are enjoying their breakfast and coffee. this is going to probably be super long by the way. i don't have anyone to share this stuff with and the cat has a new friend.  an example of how i feel right now is the music stopped and i feel like dying. my mind seems to be going so fast in the wrong direction. it's been a month exactly since i lost my appartment and job and meetings and therapist and blah new location. everything i once knew and i thought i was content with was turned upside down. everything man. i thought things were going to be ok… i thought i was getting better, but honestly i don't even know exactly what i was doing, i'm so sad is what is going on. i don't even know what to type and i used to be ok with people seeing what i type or say or whatever, but the truth is, is that tonight i am losing my mind literally. it's not like this doesn't happen all the time ya know. it's just i'm realizing how bad it's beginning to get, how sneaky this damn disease is. it's fucking tortuing me man. i want to share my entire life and thoughts with someone and i want them to understand completely and explain to me what i need to do to make this pain and emptiness fade down until i can smile without actually being sad inside ya know… these days that go by, what am i doing? i'm wasting away. i wrote a poem awhile back and i said i'm tired of falling down bridges and darkening the days man. it's so true. i'm so sick of it all. not just the drugs, not even the people, not even the places, not the meetings, or the rain, i'm sick of ALL of the things that make up life. it's so terrible for me to feel that way. i hate it. it's crazy, let me tell ya man i'm fucking SICK! it's like one minute i love everyone and everything and want to be clean forever and i just lalala love it all and i'm all smiles, but snap, in a second it's like the complete opposite. seriously… i have been so confused, i don't even know who i am, i'm like a nobody, it's like i'm not even a human, i'm more of an energy that follows the clouds? that was a weird way of putting it, but forreal. i know i don't have bipolar, but it's always hate or love, and live or die, and war or peace, and stay or go… i never know what to decide. i get so frustrated man. life is nuts, i wish it was made for me and you. lol that was gay, but seriously.i write all this morbid poetry, but i love it, it's so true, it's so me, and what i'm saying is i'm pretty freakin sure i know who i am, but how do i make it in this world of society and bullshit and conformity and blahhhhh fucking blah. i can't deal i guess. i was laying here thinking about how strange it is that everytime i feel pain inside, when i'm sad or hurting, i just want to grab my bag and get my rig out and get it done ya know. i just want the room to be empty, no other people, just me and my best friend mrs. dope and we just go at it like everything's gonna be allright, like nothing matters, like love and peace, pretend it's ok ya know? i wish it were ok. i wish i could tell people i hate them deep down and they hurt my soul and they change my mind and i want them all to disappear and let me go far away, and i just want to be there somewhere special ya know…where i feel safe and at peace with the world. all this drama i've been hearing and people think so badly of me, and i wonder why the hell are they using their imaginations on my future wrong doings, when it's possible i could do well, and why can't they fucking just go paint a picture of their ass instead of use that strong energy on talking shit about ME! fuck man, i'm too cool for people to talk shit on me LOL seriously though…i know who i am, it's just i don't like letting people know. i don't trust people very much, and honestly i realized long ago that people don't get me the way i wish they did, the way i get things, people are people and i don't know, but i think i'm different because i have a serious thought disorder that those damn doctors can't even give a name to, and i just think it's my little gift from god. lol i'm writing so much only because it's making me feel better. i don't care who reads it anymore. i would play my guitar right now, i love playing guitar when i'm sad, but i had to pawn it, i had to pawn all of them. not for dope, but for food and smokes. i can't seem to find a damn job in this shithole town man. i tried selling my plasma, but i don't weigh enough even after i ate mc donalds that day lol they told me to come back when i gained a little bit of weight. fuck that, though, i think i'm really fat, it's sad. when i look in the mirror i want to cut myself to pieces. i have no self-esteem whatsever. it sucks so bad. i guess people think i'm ok looking though, but that doesn't make it any better because most the time it's freaks that hit on me, even if it's not, since i don't have any self-esteem i let them use me and fuck me over like i'm nothing just because they told me i was beautiful and i thought that meant they would love me and help me, but really all they wanted was what they saw on the outside. i think i'm so insecure because i know me from the inside out, instead of outside in, and i know i love myself, the way i think and the way i would do anything for someone, i would risk my life for a stranger, i swear man. i have did so much for people i barely know. i love the world and the people, i just don't love them being a part of my life. i work alone ya know. my life i think has been all about business. i sometimes think i was put on earth to be a messanger for god or something. i know it's kind of out there, like what the hell drugs is this bitch on right now!!!? lol i'm sober as hell though, but forreal. i have always thought i was here to help god with his people. that's why i'm a drifter. usually when i move somewhere,  it's god leading me there ya know. i know it's him, it always is. anyways, i guess i love to write. when i was in second grade we had an asembly where the whole school got together in the caferteria once a month and announced student of the month.. well like the last one of the year my teacher called my name and i was soooo happy and she said infront of the whole school that i was going to be a writer when i grew up, she said it like it was real ya know. i didn't even know i liked writing then, i just remember being so excited when she'd put the picture on the chalkboard and tell us to write a story about it. it was my favorite. i guess i'm typing a whole lot of really pointless shit, but it's making me feel so much better. i don't have anyone to talk to. i've always been pretty anti-social. i love animals though! lol they don't judge. but uhhh so like tonight was sad. i just got this overwelming want and desire to get loaded ya know. it happens. i guess of course i should probably mention how i wanted to kill myself, but you know what, i have tried that too many times, and i'm stuck here.  i tried to do that the day my girlfriend left for rehab about 3 weeks ago, but the weird thing is, is i half-assed the attempt and got some clarity. i found out the next day that one of my best friends died that day i tried to kill myself. it's a longer story, but i know it was her pulling me back to reality. i believe in angels. i believe i have talked to quite a few and they have saved my life on many occasions, mainly in airports. i have had a lot of strange experiences in airports, where i don't even know how the hell i made it to my gate i was so fuckedup, i remember people and things and words and energies, those people that helped me, they were angels. i think about those days a lot, and i miss them for some reason. i guess i'm pretty sick. at least i'm accepting some stuff, right? i'm going to bed. peace


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