I am working on one of my papers, it is relatively short, the other I have to write its a lot longer. Yet I am not very comfortable with writing them because I am very much doubting my ability to write well. My art history teacher (long story and a lot of other past grades too) ripped my paper apart and gave me a C+. I even talked to her today and cried because I was so upset. It just came out. I could try to argue about it now and try to justify what I thought I had to write, but it won't make any difference. It is what it is, but even with extra help I got, it still wasn't good enough. I know I shouldn't worry about this class as long as I'm able to get a C since its nothing to do with my major…but I feel like a failure. I can't stop worrying about it. I know I tried and I don't think she was fair but thats only my opinion. She really rips your papers apart to the extent I have never seen before. Even the teachers I have now, two of which have been described as difficult teachers and graders are pussycats compared to her grading style. I am usually an A/B student and I can handle Cs when I know thats the best I could do. But its like an lose/lose situation with her.

Last night I was worrying about not being able to find a job when I graduate in about a month and a half. I have searched and searched and when I search like that I become so anxious and obsessed with find something so I feel a little secure. I can't relax. I feel like I'm a failure even though I know I'm not.

I'm very afraid to write another paper and turn it in to any class and have it come back with red ink marks all over it. That is not the kind of work I do. I work hard and I feel like I'm going down fast.

My thoughts have been ever since that class to go cut myself to release something or to punish myself for not doing better. I know thats not the answer and I don't plan on it I just kind of needed to state it that its been on my mind. I didn't know where else to go with all this stuff. It really is all about my anxiety and its scary to realize the control it has over me at times. Maybe I should take a xanex now.