well i'm new here and i'm not sure how any of this worlks, but i sure as hell can blog. so i guess i'd start here.

i hope people on this website are open, because i'm about to go all out.

i hate life, i hate my existance, i hate humans, i hate animals, i hate fish, i hate creatures, i hate non-living things, i hate breathing, i hate walking, i hate eating, i hate speaking, i hate living.

i have anxiety and depression and i just recently found out that i'm anorexic. i guess i saw it coming but i never really had a name for it, i just called it "i'm not hungry because food makes me fat as fuck," and thats apparently called anorexia. but arent anorexics like 100 pounds? i'm 110, and i'm 15. i guess thats not too far from the scale but i mean i can see where people are coming from. although, i still dont see it.

i SUCK at school and not only school but anything you throw in front of me.

my mom died when i was six from melanoma, dad's far gone into drugland. i was a mistake. unprotected sex? broken condom? who the hell knows. nontheless, here i am. i think my only purpose is to live until my grandmother dies. i curretly live with her and she's 88, and from the average lifespan, it seems that she's gonna be kicking the bucket soon. i'm all she has, and shes all i have. she's literally broken inside and i'm the only one here to cheer her up. and you know who i have?

no one.

so once she dies, i die along with her.

i contemplate suicide every day and the only thing that keeps me alive is my grandmother. life isn't a gift, its more of a chore from my point of view. so until i commit suicide in a couple of years, i guess i'll be here.

she said i should get help. i mean, i've been so a numerous amout of therapists so i wouldn't understand why i need another. i know i have shit wrong with me, but i feel much better getting help online. it gives me a greater sense of trust, because i dont know any of the people who will maybe read this. so who are you going to tell?

i kind of feel myself slipping away really slowly. and i know that i'm a pathetic excuse for a person. but if keeps an old lady alive, its enough. i like to smoke marijuana. i guess it's because my mom did it around me a lot because of her cancer. she got it medically. whatever the cause may be, it helps me get away. like music. i can listen to it and it calms me without yelling at me or screaming or pointing out my flaws or telling me that i'm doing EVERYTHING wrong. but theres a song that does and i found it recently. it literally describes me in every situation. and i mean every.

so if you didnt know, a "class A" is someone who does crack/cocaine or a lot of drugs. keep that in mind.

here's the song.

White lips, pale face
Breathing in snowflakes
Burnt lungs, sour taste
Light's gone, day's end
Struggling to pay rent
Long nights, strange men

And they say
She's in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And she don't want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly

Ripped gloves, raincoat
Tried to swim and stay afloat
Dry house, wet clothes
Loose change, bank notes
Weary-eyed, dry throat
Call girl, no phone

And they say
She's in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
And they scream
The worst things in life come free to us
Cause we're just under the upper hand
And go mad for a couple grams
And she don't want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe she flies to the Motherland
Or sells love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly
An angel will die
Covered in white
Closed eye
And hoping for a better life
This time, we'll fade out tonight
Straight down the line

And they say
She's in the Class A Team
Stuck in her daydream
Been this way since eighteen
But lately her face seems
Slowly sinking, wasting
Crumbling like pastries
They scream
The worst things in life come free to us
And we're all under the upper hand
Go mad for a couple grams
And we don't want to go outside tonight
And in a pipe we fly to the Motherland
Or sell love to another man
It's too cold outside
For angels to fly
Angels to fly
To fly, fly
For angels to fly, to fly, to fly
Or angels to die

2 Comments
  1. Andie372 8 years ago

     You've been through a lot of trauma.  I would expect you to have some problems from what you've been through.  I'm glad you can be there for your grandmother.  If you don't like therapists, you can try going to a local depression support group, or Al anon, or something to get out of the house and see new people.  I would hope you could let go of some of that hate.  It's keeping you imprisoned.  

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  2. Clayman 8 years ago

    Welcome to the site! Hopefully it can help in bringing about a healthier perspective.we are all here to better ourselves aren't we?

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