I missed out on helping my dad move today. I’ve been depressed, sleeping all day every day, not wanting to face the day. Today when my dad came to wake me up I told him I wanted to help tomorrow instead. As he walked out the door quietly I could see he was disappointed with me. Feeling terrible for letting him down, I went back to sleep and stayed asleep.
The depression causes me to make a lot of mistakes, to do a lot of things that worsen my situation and make me feel more guilty, less useful. My dad doesn’t understand me. I called him to apologize, and he said "you’ve let life pass you by so much." Just what I was already afraid of. That my life is unsalvagable.
But I know that’s not true. I have so much potential, so much to offer. When I get past the bad feelings and just let myself live, I prove that I can do good things. I prove that I really do care about others and am not just a heavy burden to those around me.
I know people don’t understand the way that I am. My family may not always have sympathy for me or think that I care about them, because they see the way I act, the self-defeating behaviors I engage in. But I know that I have much to offer, and simply need to find a way to be structured; find someone who DOES understand, who can guide me.
Though it’s easy to do, it isn’t enough to just say my problems are my fault and condemn myself for them. I need to see my great potential and find ways to realize it.
The last thing I need is to fall into the trap of thinking I’m just a rotten person. If I think that way, I will end up doing things to perpetuate the notion, and thus will believe it even more.