I have decided to once again keep a journal, which I am going to share with anyone who wants to read it …

 

So, to begin with, I am a copy editor.  I hate my job.  Mostly because I work third shift.  I would prefer to wake up at 4 or 5 and be in bed by 8 or 9 (which is the middle of my work day) — so it’s pretty clear why I hate it.  It seems to make it harder to deal with depression, when my sleep schedule is all funny.  Plus, I get into fights with my boyfriend because I am all cranky from being sleepy. 

Truthfully, I would rather be in another line of work.  Not only is the newspaper industry in decline, meaning that it will be difficult to ever move on from my current employer, and there really isn’t much demand for copy editors anyway, but I really do not find my job intellectually stimulating.  I really want to work on computers or work with money or something like that. 

I have been reading up on what I would need to learn in order to become a IT person, so I think the first step is A+ certification.  I really don’t know much about computers, so this will take me awhile, I am sure.  But, with the economy the way it is, it seems wise to add skills to my resume and to branch out a little.  We have had layoffs already at my workplace (not my department though, whew!)  Anyway, hopefully I can make that my focus for a little while.  I am a very independent learner, so I am hoping that there doesn’t need to be any expense for education (and there appear to be a huge number of resources online, at least for the A+ test.)

But I am also interested in finance.  I even bought the requisite grey suit for interviews — haven’t pursued anything there yet though.  I think that the economy is really interesting — morbid as this sounds, the way everything is unravelling at this point.  I majored in Political Science in college, so I really don’t know a ton about economics or business, but I am addicted to the news.  (So much so, in fact, that I have had to cut back.)  I am really not sure I can ever go anywhere in terms of this though — except maybe to read up or take classes in Economics — I do not think I could get hired at a bank as a result of my credit history (or so I have heard.)

I think I will work on learning about computers for now …

Anyway, depression has always been a part of my life.  When I am not actively miserable, I am just really numb.  And medications have never helped me.  So, I pretty much push onward.  I suppose that sounds weird.  I sort of make my goals and come up with a routine for myself when I feel better, and then just stick with it (which is no small accomplishment — getting to the place where I can just "stick with it")  Sometimes, it’s more than I can take and I end up just sleeping and going to work.  But I try to get myself back to my routine, whatever it is — going to the gym or reading or whatever in my spare time — as soon as I am able. 

I have a really hard time getting myself to do things, even things that I like to do.  I love to read, but I struggle to make myself read, or to talk to friends, or write in a journal.  Sometimes, when I am feeling better, I make a bunch of goals, like "put X number of dollars in savings" or "lose X number of pounds" or "go to the gym everyday" — and I lose sight of the fact that in order for the routine to be possible really, I need to make myself do things I actually enjoy.  I occasionally enjoy the gym (mostly not though) and I am usually proud of myself when I meet a goal — but these really aren’t the things that I enjoy.  That’s why I need to resolve to read more and write in a journal.  In addition to other goals.  And, of course, the reading and journalling mean more time at home — not eating out or shopping — and therefore make it more easy to meet other goals.

I am pretty unsocial in general.  It’s probably a bit of a personality flaw, but I have always preferred to spend a lot of time alone.  I have close friends, but while I know a lot about them and they share things with me, I am rarely able to share what’s going on in my life with other people.  There’s a lot behind that.  When I was 14, my mother tried to kill herself, and my father said very little to me at the time to reassure me, but he was very careful to tell me not to tell anyone about this family secret.  Also, I have always thought that I was different from other people (especially when I was a child) and that made me less comfortable with talking about personal things with others.  Now that so much has happened in my life, it feels like it would take so long to explain aything about myself, I might as well not try.  Or that the experiences I have had are so strange that no one would understand where I was coming from.

I feel like I was always let down by people, from an early age, and that I can’t trust anyone with my most personal feelings — like I have guard myself.  I am able to see this fact now in part because of my boyfriend, Scott.  Even though I don’t feel like we are very close, (and we arue constantly) I think he has helped me see myself in a very different light.  I never got close to my friends or boyfriends, or acquaintances, so I really never had any idea how others see me.  Sometimes Scott just says a lot of stuff I already know — I don’t think he’s ever said anything really new to me — I am not sure why my view is changing.  But I wasn’t really aware before that I wasn’t letting people in — I came to realize it a little when I got divorced a year and a 1/2 ago because I realized that when I tried to talk to my friends about what I was going through with that and with some issues I was having with my family, they didn’t really want to hear about it.  I was offended and stopped talking to one friend in particular, but then I realized that that was never how our friendship went — I never had talked to her about my personal issues at all.  I knew all about what was going on in her life, but my feelings weren’t something we had ever discussed. 

Anyway, I am still not sure how to talk about my life with other people.  That is, people who are not therapists that I am paying to listen to me.  I still do not know where to begin or when/how I know that it’s ok to open up to someone.

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