this is my first blog…
I was trying to find a place where I could atleast write my problems down.
I hate everyone and everything around me. My job, the people in my town, the way I look, what I have become… everything…And I am completley hopeless with no positive outlook on the future. I dont see how in any way it could work out to my favor. I know my feelings "depression" or whatever society wants to call it is getting worse because people that dont even know me that well are starting to ask "whats wrong with you today?". Which lets me know im to the point that I dont try to hide it…
a little back story to me… I grew up in a small southern town with 2 loving parents free from religious or extreme parenting. I was an only child until 14 when my brother came along and just shy of 21 when my sister came along. I grew up a very middle class child having mostly everything I really wanted. A nice newish car at 16 all the fun toys when I was little etc. But was very appreciative and always knew what I had. I had a job by 16 and worked for other things I wanted. At a family function after high school I drove up to my aunts house with all my family there for easter and strung on her front porch was a sign my mother hung that read "congratulations jamie" I had been accepted to Savannah College of Art and Design. That moment was one of the few times I felt like I had done something right. LIke I was somebody… I moved off to art school in December 2006 and bombed out 2 quarters later. That was a rough time in my life. A bad verbally and once or twice physically abusive relationship and a college experience that put me in my place as far as talent and where i ranked compared to everyone else. I went there for Architecture/Architectural History/Interior design… I quickly found that I was out of my league even at day one. But somehow managed to receive an artistic scholarship from the school. This school is where I wanted to go as long as I could remember. and when i got there i was so confused and depressed there were weekends I never left my apartment. There were times I had to run out of classrooms to cry in my car hysterically for a reason I couldnt find…
Long story short I moved back september of 2007. tail between my legs and car loaded down. the one thing i was so proud of (getting accepted to this prestigious school) I failed at miserably and with lightning speed. Without looking I got into a relationship that I am still in. (4+ years now) I love this man. I think of him as my best freind. We want to build a future together and its very promising. I love him and couldnt function without him i dont think…But hes tired of hearing my problems to… he tries to listen but hes as clueless as I am.
Ive always had very high expectations for myself. Since I was a kid. I was not going to live in my hometown. I was going to be succesful. Money was not going to be an issue, ever…I would be well respected because I would be not necessarily well educated but glamorized, envied or feared because of my abilities…( interior designer etc). I would be the one "that made it" so to say… And throughout highschool I had a formulated plan. Then it went in a different direction. At this point this is where people usually say "well life doesnt always happen like you want it to…" and in my opinion those are the people who have settled… I dont want to settle. It didnt go their way because they let it…
I am completley clueless about what I want to do, be, and become. And at the same time I feel like I dont care either way. "Whats the point?" I ask myself. But then If I give in to that thought I think "you settled" and then feel like ive given up… I am running as fast as I can with no destination to get to. and I feel like im going to blow a fuse one day and say fuck it all and end it. I want to run away so bad but i cant financially … I'll start crying sometimes for no reason and I have well above average anxiety. My first panic attack was at work last week. And I know thats what it was. I am truly disgusted by everyone around me everything on tv myself… etc…my desk at work is a mess… my house I could really care less about half the time because it truly doesnt matter… I have a great fear of failure and being mediocre… When i was at school i was terrified of waking up one day at 45 making 30k a year with a 150k degree and being some sad mediocre designer in a pathetic furniture store somewhere… Im scared to stand still but Im scared to take a chance to… My mind is constantly racing thinking "you have to get it together… " , "Your half way through your 20's and have nothing to show for it" . "Your going to struggle your whole life" , "You have already screwed up so bad whats the point?" "You are so far behind" … But what scares me is my mind is starting to slow down. Its not as fast paced and tense as it was during my worst times… Its like im preparing to settle. or to end it… the last 3 or 4 days especially… I dont think of suicide or ending it really it seems selfish… but for the first time yesterday I was driving and actually felt relief knowing this madness would all go away if I chose to do it… It was some of the first release i felt in a long time… it scared me so bad i started crying… knowing that my mind was in that state… its like im self aware but cant fix it…
I dont know what to do… but im getting tired… tired of thinking and talking about it…
