I guess this is more for me than anyone else cause I have no one to really talk to and I really don't have any friends so yeah being alone and being extremely depressed is unbearable at times. I stay with my mom and stepdad helping them but my mom stays in her bedroom watching tv and my stepdad stays in living room and watches boring shows soI stay in my room with my dog. Its hard when you have no one to talk to and when you do they dont understand what you are going through so you just stop talking to them about it.
Some days are okay and other days I get really scared of the feelings that I have about not wanting to be here anymore and I have nothing to live for anymore and those feelings are so over whelming at times it truly scares me to death.
I tried taking my own life over 9 years ago and nothing has changed for me. Nothing has gotten any better or any easier. I would never ever try to take my life ever again cause my luck I would end up being a vegetable the next time. Why is it other people go through depression and they can get themselves out of it and take there life back but I can't and it's killing me. I hate who I am and no one would miss me if I did die.
I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years and finally got out of that and have been away from him now for 2 years and Im glad I was finally strong enough to do that at least. I have 3 kids and none of them have anything to do wih me and I have 2 granddaughters and only have met one of them and fixing to have another grandbaby next month that I wont be able to see. Its a very long story about my kids but they all 3 have hurt me and backstabbed me in the back. My oldest daughter if I piss her off she threatens me with using her kids against me so I have cut all 3 kids out of my life cause they are all way to toxic to have in my life right now.
I dont have a life at all. I cant hardly get myself out of bed most days and I cry alot but not as much as I use to cause I really have no more tears to cry. When my parents go to town and I am here alone I just scream for someone to help me. But the truth is I am the only one that can help myself.
I have seizures now due to me trying to take my life years ago and cant do the job I use to do and I have even had a seizure while driving in a car so I dont drive that much. I dont have seizures enough to be put on medicine for them and everyone says I should get on disability but I just dont know.
I never knew how much severe depression can make you sick to where you truly cant hold down a job until it happened to me. I never judge people that are depressed or have panic attacks or anxiety attacks cause I have all of that and until you have walked in my shoes or someone elses shoes that are truly struggling you have no room to talk.
But for the past two days I am back to being extremely scared of life and living cause I dont have a life and im so lonely and the pain of being alone is so bad I cant even put it into words.
I dont know what to do anymore and my old confident self is so buried deep down inside me and I want that part of me to come back but she is still hiding deep down inside me and its been over 9 years and I dont think I can ever get that part of me back.
I hate my life and I hate who I am now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!