Its 309 am.  Went to meet up with Ian tonight,,,we grew up on the same block in New York, and just found out today that he is a portlander…and I havent seen him in 15 years. He just broke up with his girlfriend but didnt seem like he was in rough shape at all.  Some people are just strong willed, which is a quality that I would be flabbergasted to see in myself.  I let rejection burn me alive…My sensitivity is all my fault, or is it the love that I have to give being cut off so severely damaging?

I hate Bipolar disorder and I love it too. That statement makes so much sense. I was manic tonight but it was dulled by the valium, still i was able to be social and maintain a sense of normality around these people who I did not know ever.  I cherish my manic side. I can get a whole room going putting on performances to make peoples sides split. Making people happy is so rewarding, and I am so good at it.  I believe its because I am so miserable the envoking glee in others is so satisfying since I cant be happy for myself.

A girl at the "party" saw my burn scars and asked if they were cigarette burns,,,I could not come up with an excuse so I lied and said they are cigarette burns and I did them while hallucinating on DMT.  Lies. I burned myself totally sober.  Its embarassing especially on first impressions, but it is who i am and Im not trying to fully deny it.

I did no drugs today, I accomplished that goal. no speed, no DMT, no MDA, no coke, nothing….I usually do not drink because of my digestive disease but tonight I had 3 beers modestly. I didnt feel like myself around these new people, but I sure did fool them.

I feel like im comin in hot. I find myself doing more and more cool things. My best friend is severly emotionally disturbed like I am, and we have been pushing each other out of our rut, devising plans to meet women in fun ways.

Both of us are starved for affection.  he hasnt been with a woman in 2 years and it has been 6 months for me…its all relative. we are both miserable and have a low self image.  That self image has been increasingly on the upswing lately….We actually discuss our lives and find that wer are cool cats, that have fun, and women would be luckey to be a part of it.  I sound like a chauvanist pig but doesnt everyone require a certain factor of intimacy in their life? Its what I obsess over, my solitude, my rejection, my isolation….it comes in waves having bpd1 rapid cycle…I have two prominent personalities that reverse roles on a frequent basis….yet either way I am lonely.  I like hugs. I like touch. I want to express my care for the right woman trough intimacy, after chemistry is a success….whoever this woman is is extremely elusive.

Im not desperate, if i was id be macking on anything with a hole and a heartbeat (heartbeat optional? jk)  Im a picky shy SOB when it comes to meeting someone.thems the breaks. each day i get older, and as time passes i go more and more days unloved. This does not sit right with me.  Someone deserves me.  I have to practice confidence.  I see myself as an extraordinary multitalented man, and nobody else can see that, possibly because i dont convey that to them…I hate trying to prove to someone my worth by all the cool stuff I do, its humiliating and i think its like trying way too hard, just unnatural…I dont know the first thing about dating at this point, or how to hit on anyone, but i guess putting myself in new social situations gives me that clean slate to work with, I better not wear shorts next time so nobody sees all my burns.  I dont even know why im blogging right now. Its nice to get attention. I blogged yesterday, and i pioured myself out on a plate for all of you to eat but i had no responses. so be it. I just write to vent, to put my ilness out into the universe, disperse the negative energy to replace it with positive energy.  carry on my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done


1 Comment
  1. snowdreamer 13 years ago

    Congradulations about having no drugs that was a big step but it's a shame you replaced them with the beer especially when  you have an illness it could affect.  Those are good words but I also need to listen to them myself.  The lonliness is so hard and the depression makes it so much worse.  I do wish that around other people you didn't have to put up a front that you could just be yourself and let people like you for you they are the ones who will stick by you thru everything.  If you ever need to talk I'm always around here.

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