its sunday morning, and i am at my parents house visiting for the weekend. now the thing is my mom wants me to go to church. i am not a holy roller, and i believe in god and i am a professed christian a work in progress, but today i just don't feel like going. the last couple of days i had bad,bad, days at work..almost lost it. and working the night shift in a big hospital in dowtown atlanta doesn't make it any better.you know i have cried so much and had so many headaches that lately i am numb. really..numb i can't feel happy for people when i think they really deserve it or feel sympathy or empathy for people as well. its not that i dont want to doit, i just cant not at this time. this numb feeling is not the best feeling in the world, but it is what is working for me at this time. i am also as crazy as this may sound, enjoying being by myself..no really, it has happened so much to me lately that i really enjoy it and i prefer it that way, what i am trying to get a grasp on now is to stop shopping to compensate for what i lack in my life which is self love. and i also decided that i am gonna leave my state for a few months and do some healthcare travel..at some point but i want to get some therapy sessions in so i guess i will have to endure that misery called my job a few more months before i can go. i can't speak for others but sometimes i wish i was Dorothy from the wizard of oz, i wish i could click my heels three times and disappear from this world of mine, but thats just fantasy. sometimes when i go to bed i try to make myself dream happy thoughts but it never happens like that..sometimes i wake up in a sweat or in tears. i day dream alot, wondering about what it used to feel like when i used to be happy. my friends always tell me to stop focusing so much into my depression, how can i not, when it consumes me almost 24 hours a day sometimes 7 days a week or longer. sorry for rambling i am just typing as the thoughts litter my brain. have u ever been jealous of people? i am so jealous of some people around me. its not fair i have to go through this. it is so hard not to focus on what i don't have and be thankful for what i do have. but what i will not do is suicide, that is not the last option for me…thanks for listening and reading…have a good day

1 Comment
  1. ancientgeekcrone 11 years ago

    I hear you.  People around you do not understand that depression is a state of being that totally consumes your energy.  The most useful thing for depression is exersise because it keep draining the psychic energy that backs up in your system.  The only problem is once ones is depressed, it is very difficult to find the energy or the will to exersise.

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