its sunday morning, and i am at my parents house visiting for the weekend. now the thing is my mom wants me to go to church. i am not a holy roller, and i believe in god and i am a professed christian a work in progress, but today i just don't feel like going. the last couple of days i had bad,bad, days at work..almost lost it. and working the night shift in a big hospital in dowtown atlanta doesn't make it any better.you know i have cried so much and had so many headaches that lately i am numb. really..numb i can't feel happy for people when i think they really deserve it or feel sympathy or empathy for people as well. its not that i dont want to doit, i just cant not at this time. this numb feeling is not the best feeling in the world, but it is what is working for me at this time. i am also as crazy as this may sound, enjoying being by myself..no really, it has happened so much to me lately that i really enjoy it and i prefer it that way, what i am trying to get a grasp on now is to stop shopping to compensate for what i lack in my life which is self love. and i also decided that i am gonna leave my state for a few months and do some healthcare travel..at some point but i want to get some therapy sessions in so i guess i will have to endure that misery called my job a few more months before i can go. i can't speak for others but sometimes i wish i was Dorothy from the wizard of oz, i wish i could click my heels three times and disappear from this world of mine, but thats just fantasy. sometimes when i go to bed i try to make myself dream happy thoughts but it never happens like that..sometimes i wake up in a sweat or in tears. i day dream alot, wondering about what it used to feel like when i used to be happy. my friends always tell me to stop focusing so much into my depression, how can i not, when it consumes me almost 24 hours a day sometimes 7 days a week or longer. sorry for rambling i am just typing as the thoughts litter my brain. have u ever been jealous of people? i am so jealous of some people around me. its not fair i have to go through this. it is so hard not to focus on what i don't have and be thankful for what i do have. but what i will not do is suicide, that is not the last option for me…thanks for listening and reading…have a good day