Is it me?
I’ve found that question looming over my subconscious for the past few years now. Let me bring you up to par. As a lesbian, it’s not all peaches and cream. Aka. “Lesbian bed death.”
I’ve been married to my wife for 3 years. We’ve been dating for eight yrs before hand. I absolutely love her with all my heart. But the past 2 years have been.. hell. Both me and my wife work full time jobs, so often we see eachother for dinner if that and then it’s off to bed. I get it. We’re both exhausted and can certainly get into routines. On days off. We spend most of our time together, having a blast. Whether we watch movies at home or go for a hike with our dog, we genuinely enjoy each other’s company. It’s not during the day that’s the problem. It’s at night. No matter what I do, no matter what I say, I cannot get my wife to have sex with me.. We’ve never had problems before. It started out with simple “Babe I’m tired.” And has since morphed into just a look and a firm no. It’s been nearly 2 years since we’ve had sex and frankly, I’ve tried everything. From trying to seduce her, to being overly romantic, to even cleaning the house for weeks. The past few months, I’ve been going to the gym every day in hopes that maybe I can woo her a different way. I’m not in any way chubby however I can learn to get in shape more. I know she likes muscles on girls.. She’s stopped wanting to even kiss me often and I have nowhere else to turn too.
I’ve comfronted her about this a few times.. and I’m afraid it puts her on the defensive real quick. She tells me she lost her drive and isn’t feeling the need for it. And then she cried.. and I gave up for that day.
Months pass, and I brought it up again. She told me she wasn’t feeling it anymore and was just happy with what we had… and if I wasn’t, to leave. I cried. Months have passed. I try to forget that conversation ever happened.
I don’t want to leave her, she’s my happy ending.. so why, do I feel so emotional about this? I have a high libido and a lonely feeling inside. I’m having dreams of sex with strangers and that frightens me. I imagine cheating on her… and then guilt runs through me. I would never, but the thoughts are there. I enjoy every moment with her, except at night. Maybe someone here can shed some light on the situation.
You could try counselling if you haven’t already. It also may be possible your wife has become asexual. If this is bothering you try to have a discussion about it (I know you’ve tried, but keep trying) and maybe she’ll open up and you guys can figure out how to move foward.
Many times in longer term relationships there are periods when couples become out of sync with established common goals and needs. I think it is important that you take some time when you can both really talk to be honest with each other and more importantly, define words.The conversations you are having seem off the cuff, brief and dismissive. They don’t tell the real story and they don’t produce a way to move forward. You have to ask genuine questions and be prepared to hear the answers. Right now, you’re living the relationship she wants to have. You can already see that there is no room for you in the scenario; even things you are doing that you say keep you going are ones that she wants to do and I will wager that you go along to stay connected. If she is to the point that she does not even want to kiss you, she is in another emotional and possibly physical space.