I'm feeling really anxious and hopeless today. I'm not sure why but it's making me stressed to the point of crying. I feel like going to sleep and staying there as long as possible. I would do just that if my husband weren't home trying to recuperate. How do I explain to him that I feel like there's no place for me ~ nowhere that I'm ever going to fit in, no job that's ever going to keep me. I feel like I have no options for what path I can take with my life ~ that this illness has defined exactly what options I have and none of them are fulfilling.  I know I should be grateful for all that I do have, and most days I try to be; but today it feels like that grace isn't reaching me. I don't have the motivation to put one foot in front of the other.

I realized this over the weekend ~ I'm really selfish.  I'm so wrapped up in being "sick" that I often forget that my friends and family have their needs that need to be filled too. I just feel like a bad person all over.

I look in the mirror and am horrified at my reflection; a round, moonlike face, chubby arms and thighs, a spare tire for a stomach and a large rear-end. Putting on clothes that fit makes me cry sometimes…but I refuse to look more ridiculous by trying to force my old clothes on.

My psychiatrist told me that for some people this class of meds messes up the link between glucose and the metabolism, causing the body to immediately convert the food eaten to fat stored in the fat cells. That's why you always feel hungry no matter how often you eat or what you eat. You could eat a salad and it will be metabolized as fat.

My greatest hope in this is that the weight just drops off when I get off of this stuff if the lowered dosage doesn't work.

I feel so shallow for caring so much about how I look, but at the same time I'm terrified of it. I just don't want to yo-yo anymore, and I don't want to have to watch everything I eat in fear.

On to a more important subject, like I said, Aaron is home recuperating today. The fever seems to have broken and he's eaten his first food in 2 days. I had to run to the store to stock up on soups for him, and because I'm so forgetful my son and I are going to run down to the store again tonight.  Anyhow, it appears the worst of the bug is over with. He may be home another day just to regain some strength, he's still really weak but he's getting better. 

I'm sorry this blog is such a downer and all about me, me, me; but it's how I feel. I feel stuck and scared and like I have no choices.

Take care all, thinking of you with love.

~ Keya

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 9 years ago

    Courage Keya.

    Courage is not always a roar at the end of the day, but a small cry saying, I'll try again tomorrow"

    Huhhs Mary xx

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  2. Andie372 9 years ago

     Allow yourself to feel sad, it's okay.  You are so very much NOT a selfish person.  You've given to me when I was in need.  I took Depakote once and balloned up 50 pounds I don't know why it took me so long to realize the med was causing it.  I have managed to lose that weight, but I remember how horrible it made me feel to swell up like that.  I was already depressed and it made it worse.  It's taken me years actually to get with a mix of meds that actually work and help me.  I am also looking at career opportunities and feel very much limited in what I can achieve.  But, we keep trying, don't we.  

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