I'm 42-wonder if I'll make it to 43. I'm an incest survivor, have lost 2 dads, biological and step-dad, wonderful man who raised me. I am a breast cancer survivor, triple negative BRCA positive. I smoke, and I drink socially, so maybe once a week. I try not to get drunk, sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail-but not often. I don't have many true friends, and I'm generally the one who calls to see if someone wants to do anything, usually I don't get those calls. Sometimes people answer, sometimes they don't. I am probably accountable for that. I don't think I really reach out so much as just live on the surface, never diving too deep. I watch people, and I want to interact, but don't always know the right things to say. If you asked someone what they thought of me, or what kind of person I am they'd either say moody or they'd say I'm hilarious and full of life. Some people know me, others only see what I want them to see. No need to scare the whole world away, right?

Today has been a hard day. The teacher in class this morning said she'd love to hang out with me because I made her laugh a lot. My boss would probably say he wishes I'd quit or do something wrong so he could fire me because I don't want to be there and he knows it. I worked hard to get where I am, had to, have two children and raised them for the most part on my own. Lots of people do that these days. I just had an abusive ex who has never made my life easy. Well, he's got 2 and 1/2 years left and then my daughter will be 18 and he won't be able to do this anymore. Why do I let him? I'm probably accountable for that. But I internalize everything he says, fat b, fat c, slut, c, whatever. The fat part is true. I am about 120 pounds overweight. Why can't I lose it? I want to, and every day I'm going to do good but something happens and I turn to food. FML. I hope blogs here are honest because I won't be anything but that.

My husband is the quiet type. Only problem we have is money. I'm unable to pay the bills. Oh, I get paid, and I could, but I don't. Payday means go out and spend until it's gone. Never had much and now that I do, I'm afraid that someday I won't and it will be gone and I won't get to do anything if I don't do it now. I've asked him lots of times to take over the money and tonight I think I convinced him he's got to. Poor guy, he's got enough to worry about, but he has a strength where I have a weakness, and sometimes in a partnership the strong have to carry the weak.

Do I believe in God? YES! I'm Catholic and I love my church. God is probably the only reason why I'm still here. That and my fear of death. But I sabotage myself by overeating, internalizing everything and stressing out, smoking, all of that. Suicide sometimes can be a lengthy process, not always instant.
So, yeah, I guess I believe that in a lot of ways I'm doing everything to get rid of me, but at the same time if I have one pain or anything, I'm making a doctor's appointment to get in and get that checked out. What the heck? I'm a mess.

I want to be better. I want to do better. Is there anyone out there who can help? I'm taking lexapro and seeing a therapist and she thinks I'm amazing. Tonight I feel like a flipping loser. I just want to wake up and feel good. I call in sick to work, leave early, and basically just don't care about much anymore. Please, I hope to God you aren't reaind this thinking I'm a lunatic….I just want to be happy.


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