Things here on this end are bad. Normally I try to put a smiling face on and keep pushing through it when I'm feeling rough ~but not this time. I can't pretend that I'm okay anymore, I can't pretend that I don't want to die. I'm not willing to take my own life, but lying down and letting nature take it's course sounds okay to me.
I've been having symptoms of psychosis the last few days…severe panic attacks and irrational fears of being alone, feelings of being watched and paranoia. I'm not hearing any voices yet ~ and hopefully that won't happen. But I'm scared; really scared. I'm afraid my grasp on reality is slipping and that I won't be able to hold on to it. Maybe in the end that would be better…to be lost to this world and unthinking, unfeeling ~ not existing.
Yesterday I hitmy breaking point. I am afraid to sleep right now. Specifically if I'm alone in the bed andit's dark. I am also terrified of just being LEFT alone by myself right now ~ I panic and fall apart into asobbing, inconsolable mess. More thananything yesterday I wanted to start carving on myself again with a knife…but I knew that wouldn't help me on some level so I ran downstairs towhere my husband was sleeping and crawled into the bedwith him and begged him to call out of worklast night ~ that I couldn't handle it, couldn't be left alone and really needed him here with me. I sobbed and went to pieces until exhaustion hitand then passed out in the bed in his arms. Every time I'd wake up the whole scenario would repeat again; and thenI'd fall asleepfrom being so tired out from the emotional barrage. I almosteven ended my marriage yesterday, out of my mind with pain and suffering and fear.
The only time I sleep well is when it's light outside and the sun is shining into the room. I often find myself sleepingin my son's bed where the sun shines in all day long. I'm taking 2 mg of Klonopin at night to help me sleep, but I still can't really sleepwell ~ Iwake up from nightmares or I'm yelling at someone or something and it happens over andover again.Tonight I'm adding an over-the-counter sleep aid to see if it helps me at all. I feel like I'm losingit.
I went to see the psychiatrist today, and aftertalking for awhile he decided to add Abilify to my medications to see if it would help. I'm scared of taking it. If it doesthe same kind of thing Risperidal does I'm going to be a drooling zombie afterall. All I'll do is sleep and fightwith the side-effects like severe dry-mouth and inability to remember or function much. Last time I was on this class of drug I laid on the couch formonths, staring at the same irregular spot on the ceiling and then sleeping there when I was too tired to stay awake. So yeah, I'm frightened. I don't want to do this anymore…I wanna go home ~ I wanna go back to the place when I was hopeful and somewhat content with my life and it's prospects.But that's gone forever isn't it?
Out of sheer desperation for my son's sake I made myself try to get into the Halloween spirit and bought a Halloween shirt and a mask and walked around the mall with him and my husband doing trick-or-treating. I felt like with the mask on I could pretend that I was okay, I could be someone else for a little while; someone who wasn't broken and exhausted and falling apart at the seams. It lasted for a little while, but driving home I knew that my brief respite was done.
I had a really disturbing dream yesterday afternoon. I was back in the property that I grew up on, but my grandfather was there. I haven't seen him since he died in 1992 and have never dreamt of him before.And I was so relieved and happy to be in his presence. We talked about many things and what was really strange was that it was a coherent coversation…it made sense; all of it. Around me was a spring day with sunshine and the sound of children laughing in the near distance, playing. I felt the presence of so many other loved ones, could hear them talking to one another nearby on a porch in rocking chairs. I don't remember the last time I felt that happy, that whole, that certain. I felt safe, loved, cherished. I trusted him when he told me things would turn out alright with time.I wanted so badly to stay with him there, but it wasn't to be.
When I awoke, I felt bereft. The weight of reality came crashing down onto my chest, crushing my lungs, my heart and filling me with so much pain again. And it was then that I became spooked ~ the only time I have dreams like that where deceased loved ones visit me is either because they are comforting me in horrible times, or because they expect me to come home soon. I have no doubt in my mind that that WAS my grandfather. And apparently he meant to get the message across to keep going, that things would get better eventually and that regardless of my illness I was still loved and cherished so deeply. It made me cry that I couldn't reach out and hug him in the present.
Sleeping pill is starting to kick in ~ I guess now would be a safe time to try to sleep. Besides, my son is sleeping peacefully downstairs in his futon bed, so I'm not alone tonight. Honestly, looking at him is the only thing that gets me from ending it all. I can't do it, can't put him through that. I love him too much to allow my deathwish to take precedent over his well-being.
I'm sorry to all my friends that I won't be on much over the next few days or so. I'm not sure what the new meds are going to bring and how long I have to work to pull myself through this. Tomorrow I see my therapist again. That's probably a good thing.
Goodnight Dtribe. Sleep in peace.