am i depressed? this feels totally different from before. i seem to have enough energy to force myself to go out. i want to be happy. i want to keep pushing myself, thinking that maybe if i fake it, i will change. i have to change in order to survive. but when i am out, i just can't wait to be home, in my bed, watching tv. sometimes things are ok. and when they are, i can't understand why/how i ever feel so shitty.

and vice versa. i guess i can remember times when i'm with friends and i can't stop laughing. i remember that that happens sometiems. but i can't imagine how that feels. how it's even possible. right now, i just feel horrible. i can't even think straight. i hardly feel like i am even here. i don't even know how i'm typing.

i have trouble articulating my thoughts. i want help, but to whom do i turn? there are friends. but i can't really go to them with something like this. even if i could, why would i? there'd be no point. there's nothing anyone else can do. it's all on me. i would like to see a therapist. but that's not covered in my insurance. maybe venting to myself in a blog like this will help, but i feel like i will just keep saying the same things, and reading it will probably disgust me. but we shall see. 

i really am trying. i try to eat healthy and get to the gym, and that does make me temporarily feel great. but it's too temporary. and it's very hard to make myself go. i try to get out in the sun, and i do.  i try to go out and hang with friends, and see good music, but it doesn't make me feel any less empty. i do a lot. interesting things, that are lots of fun. but i'm not exactly having that much fun. i try to ignore my feelings of derealization. occasionally i realize that there are certain times when i don't feel it. but sometimes i just can't fight it.

sometimes i get really inspired, to just do whatever, to just be happy. but forced happiness is hard, and ultimately just depressing. force. i think that's my current life theme. life is a game, and i have to force myself to play. i suppose i am just turning into a phony. maybe that's what everyone else does.  i think i will spend the next hour or so letting myself be depressed. then i will make myself go to the gym.


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