It fucking hurts. I’m not PMSing. I’m not just emotional. She doesn’t realize how much it hurts. I’ve been stuck in this house 24/7 for 2 years just doing school, watching my little brother, and cleaning. On constant repeat. It sucks! I might not have had any friends when i was in public school but at least there was other people around me so it felt like i kind of existed.

I hate it. She never wants to hear my feelings. She says that I’m just negative and pessimistic. Well so what!! Life sucks! I just want to talk to someone. I just want someone to hear me, and say it’s ok for me to feel this way. I asked her to get me help, like a therapist. But no! It’s to “inconvenient” for her. So what the hell am i suppose to do!? I have nobody! Every time i tell her how lonely i am, she threatens to send me away to my abusive biological sperm donor ( father). I hate it! And i hate him!

I miss family but now they don’t even feel like family anymore. We keep moving away and i realize that i barely know them. They don’t call, don’t send letters, nothing!

I feel isolated. My older brother isn’t here anymore and i feel like he left me behind. He was always abusive and cruel when he didn’t get what he wanted. But at least when we weren’t fighting then he would listen to what i had to say. He would listen, he would hear me…because we felt the same way. We felt lonely, alone, isolated, and trapped. We only had each other.

But he got selfish and left me behind. He asked me to go with him and to leave mom and the baby behind.

I can’t betray her. She’s all i got left. Family doesn’t care, but mom needs me. No matter how many times she calls me a mistake, no matter how much she says that it’s my fault that her life went to shit, no matter how many times she says she hates me, she needs me. She hasn’t given me away or truly abandoned me. Cause no matter how many times she tries to push me away, i will stay. I can TAKE IT! It hurts but i ignore it cause i know she’s also alone. It doesn’t matter how much she hurts me. Cause all we have left is each other. It’s just us.

I try to hide it… to put the mask on… to not “feel”, but the more time i spend alone i feel myself breaking, and the mask… is slipping.

I tried to tell her but she covers her ears and tells me she has “bigger problems”. She calls me selfish. Am i not allowed to “feel”!

**********************************************************************************************

I feel like I’m drowning… I’ve been paddling in the middle of the ocean, and i can’t see any land. But i keep paddling and now I’m getting to tired to keep myself from sinking.

I’m screaming for help but the sea’s so endless and nobody can hear me. I want to sleep. I want to just stop paddling and let go… to just sink into the calmness of the ocean.

But I’m scared, i fear the darkness, the emptiness, the loneliness, the pain of drowning scares me. So i feel like i’m stuck wishing to go to sleep but i stay awake and forcing myself to keep paddling… to keep looking for land.. for something to save me.

I don’t know if i should keep crying out for help. Nobody will hear me… but maybe someone is out here in the ocean too and is also screaming for help. I want to try to listen for them but i can’t even save myself.

I’m to tired now… i don’t want to scream out anymore.

I’m tired. I want to sleep… i want to stop paddling.

I’m gonna stop.

I deserve a rest…

goodnight.