I've never written on a blog before, but a good friend said that sharing her life esperiences was very helpful for her. My depression and anxiety began long ago, and I remember having it since I was a kid. I was able to cope with it for the most part, and use it to fuel myself to strive for better and to work hard at school. I am now 27, and almost finished with graduate school. However, thorughout my life my biggest downfall I am told, is surrounding myself with abusive relationships. The latest has taken a huge toll on my life and caused me to question myself as a person and to wonder if I truly am to blame for the terrible (but few) relationships I have had. I left my home country several years ago to go to school. I had had a realtionship at home for about 6 years, with someone who I lived with, but who would become physically violent at times. I knew this was nota healthy relationships, however we still had many good times, and he was understanding of my family life, which to me meant a lot, since my family had a lot of issues that I was ashamed to tell most people about. When i left for school in another country, he was not able to come with me, and for the first time, I was so happy. I made so many friends, and felt what it was like to not be upset all the time and wonder why someone was putting me own or physical with me and I felt so much better about myself. When I can back home to America for a break from school, I noticed that I no longer cared for this person and saw how messed up it was that he had ever hit me, and I told him it was over between us. My life went on and I did well in school, and met new people and dated some. Then I met the person who changed my life forever, for the worse. After being in a realtionship with someone previously who had hit me and made me sad a lot of the time, I never imagined that being with anyone else could possibly ever be worse than that. I was so very wrong.

I had never seen him before in 2 years of being at school on a small island. The first time I saw him, he sat across the table from me in our small group session. He seemed very well put together, well-spoken, and somehow different from the rest of our group. He seemed not very much like teh partying type and I had never seen him out. I wondered how I had nevr met him before. I'm very social, and I knew most people at my school.

Within a couple weeks of being in the same small group, he moved his seat next to me. He started missing small groups, which is a very big deal at our school. The rest of the people in my group seemed angry that he kept missing them, and i didnt't understand why. When he returned, he claimed that he had been sick for serveral days with food poisoning. I couldn't understand why no one believed him or thought this wasn't so.

After a few more weeks he started contacting me outside of class. I had no interest, but only talked to him as a friend. He was very persistent and always incredibly kind to me. He asked my best friend about me and kept trying to see me and told my best friend that i was the most magnificent thing he had ever seen. I truly gave hima hard time to date me, I was so afraid of being hurt again after my 6 year relationship that made me so sad. But I gave in, and thought he deserved a chance, and really cared about me. It was abotu a month after we were dating that I found out that the reason he kept missing classes was because he had a severe drug problem involving needle use as well as heavy heavy alcohol consumption. It was all down hill from there, and it's been awhile since it's been over, but the aftermath is still affecting my professional and personal life, and I don't know if I'll ever be the same again or be able to trust another person. I'm not quite sure how to cope or feel better. I can't help but feel this is somehow my fault, and that I attract abusive addicts and maybe I somehow have desered this to happen, or that these peope weren't truly bad, and that I am the one with the problems who causes people to hate me and treat me badly. I don't really know what o do anymore, and I am sad continuously and barely have the energy to get out of bed most days now. My life has been completely turned upside down.

1 Comment
  1. sasha1969 7 years ago

    In my opinion, you aren't attracting abusive men you are choosing them.  We tend to choose what we know.  Usually subconciously.  No one deserves to be abused.  For me, it was workign on my self esteem and my fear of being alone that changed my 'chocies'.  I no longer entertain the thought of friendships with people that send out red flags.  I am willign to see the red flags rather than ignore them. I wish you peace.

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