its hard to say where peoples ideas and thoughts come from. is it built up from the multitude of experiances we have had or are they learned habits of thought? im not going fast or far today by any means. i keep sinking back into a state of emptyness. i did clean, and did a guitar lesson and my fingers ache but i cant let go today i cant breathe. its just over whelming and i cant pin point the cause the idea or the begining today. my support system is my "husband" and my best freind who lives 600 miles away in chicago. i cant talk to either of them today . sense they hate each other. friend hates husband for making me cry, husband hates friend for imagining feelings from me to friend. went so far today as to tell me to go to chicago and "get it all out of my system" what ever the hell thats supposed to mean. im annoyed and its dragging me farther down. did i have those "feelings" other than friendship for my friend.. yes once many many years ago, (we have never actually met in person… even knowing that my best friend is some who ive never seen their face depresses me) but i wouldnt have said yes when i was asked to marry my "husband" if i had had feelings for another. i want to scream at him. throw things. ive never done anything to give him any reason not to trust me. unless of course you believe the whole you have to give trust to get it. but then, i dont trust anyone, ever. but i try… im typing this all out trying to calm my intense paranoia and anxiety. i'm always expecting the worst. husband has no reason to distrust me but my mind sits back with an evil grin and tells me he wants me to "explore" these feelings so that he can have a reason to leave me more obvious than the fact that hes with a crazy broken woman. and no one likes a quitter. and no one wants to say they failed. im not sure what to think right now about the situation at hand. i just want to go back to bed. but i cant because then im labled as lazy by everyone around. im trying but i dont know how much more trying i can do