I am so miserable. I had the worst day, yesterday. A friend really hurt me, in a way he really should have known would snap me like a twig. Then, after all that, I was dumb enough to make a promise that I would not use heroin, that night. What was I thinking? I could not break that promise. I wanted to. I thought about it. I even rationalized that under the circumstances, I shouldn’t give a damn about breaking said promise. (That’s why it’s called rationalizing – as in the thought is irrational, and you try to sculpt it into something that sounds more sensical, even thought, it clearly isn’t.) I couldn’t break that promise. As angry and hurt as I was, and as abandoned as I felt, I could not break my word to this person. Maybe, I’m just a sucker.
But, not being a twelve stepper, I did not feel restricted from other mind or mood altering substances. So, I took the last of my xanax, and hoped for the best.
Now, I feel raw, and tired, and I am listening to The Smashing Pumpkins, while contemplating a cigarette and a cup of coffee.
"Ten times removed
I forget about where it all began
Bastard son of a bastard son of
A wild eyed child of the sun
And right as rain, I’m not the same but
I feel the same, I feel nothing
Holding back the fool, again
Holding back, the fool pretends"
I just want to score, and get high. That’s all I [email protected] want today. I am so lost. So much more than before… I felt like I was slowly pulling out of it, and now…
The one person I was sure I could trust, above anyone else, smashed me like a bug. So, what now? I can’t put myself out there the same way, can I? But, if I close myself off, and start putting up walls, I won’t be me, anymore. The way I feel things so deeply. As is, this situation has me completely raw, and heartbroken. And, afriad… very afraid…
I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I told myself to stop expecting that of everyone. That it wasn’t fair. Maybe, I was the naive one, all along. With all m ytalk of empathy, and feeling things deeply – maybe, that just makes me a sucker.
"I forget to forget, nothing is important
Holding back the fool again
I forget to forget me
I forget to forget you see
Nothing is important to me
I knew my loss
Before I even learned to speak
And all along, I knew it was wrong
But I played along, with my birthday song"
I feel so broken and weak, now. Like, I’ve lost so much ground. I am so stupid. I walk into my own nightmares, and I make my own pain. I have created a mess. And, I can’t see a way out of it.
I am such a [email protected] asshole. If something seems to good to be true, then, guess what?
"Holding back the fool, again
Holding back, the fool pretends
I forget to forget nothing is important
Holding back the fool again" (The Smashing Pumpkins, "To Forgive")
Everything is complicated. Nothing is the way it should be. I just wish I was dead.
I probably won’t pick up a needle, or do anything to directly hasten my demise. Probably… but, I haven’t felt this wrecked in ages, and I don’t know how to put myself back together again. I feel like, if something happened to me… like, I didn’t look both ways before crossing Sheridan Rd, or I took a wrong step, and wound up on the el tracks… maybe, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Then, I couldn’t do any more damage, or be hurt, ever again.