I am so miserable.  I had the worst day, yesterday.  A friend really hurt me, in a way he really should have known would snap me like a twig.  Then, after all that, I was dumb enough to make a promise that I would not use heroin, that night.  What was I thinking?  I could not break that promise.  I wanted to.  I thought about it.  I even rationalized that under the circumstances, I shouldn’t give a damn about breaking said promise.  (That’s why it’s called rationalizing – as in the thought is irrational, and you try to sculpt it into something that sounds more sensical, even thought, it clearly isn’t.)  I couldn’t break that promise.  As angry and hurt as I was, and as abandoned as I felt, I could not break my word to this person.  Maybe, I’m just a sucker. 

But, not being a twelve stepper, I did not feel restricted from other mind or mood altering substances.  So, I took the last of my xanax, and hoped for the best. 

Now, I feel raw, and tired, and I am listening to The Smashing Pumpkins, while contemplating a cigarette and a cup of coffee.

"Ten times removed
I forget about where it all began
Bastard son of a bastard son of
A wild eyed child of the sun
And right as rain, I’m not the same but
I feel the same, I feel nothing
Holding back the fool, again
Holding back, the fool pretends"

I just want to score, and get high.  That’s all I [email protected] want today.  I am so lost.  So much more than before…  I felt like I was slowly pulling out of it, and now…

The one person I was sure I could trust, above anyone else, smashed me like a bug.  So, what now?  I can’t put myself out there the same way, can I?  But, if I close myself off, and start putting up walls, I won’t be me, anymore.  The way I feel things so deeply.  As is, this situation has me completely raw, and heartbroken.  And, afriad…  very afraid…

I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I told myself to stop expecting that of everyone.  That it wasn’t fair.  Maybe, I was the naive one, all along.  With all m ytalk of empathy, and feeling things deeply – maybe, that just makes me a sucker.

"I forget to forget, nothing is important
Holding back the fool again
I forget to forget me
I forget to forget you see
Nothing is important to me
I knew my loss
Before I even learned to speak
And all along, I knew it was wrong
But I played along, with my birthday song"

I feel so broken and weak, now.  Like, I’ve lost so much ground.  I am so stupid.  I walk into my own nightmares, and I make my own pain.  I have created a mess.  And, I can’t see a way out of it.

I am such a [email protected] asshole.  If something seems to good to be true, then, guess what?

"Holding back the fool, again
Holding back, the fool pretends
I forget to forget nothing is important
Holding back the fool again" (The Smashing Pumpkins, "To Forgive")

Everything is complicated.  Nothing is the way it should be.  I just wish I was dead. 

I probably won’t pick up a needle, or do anything to directly hasten my demise.  Probably…  but, I haven’t felt this wrecked in ages, and I don’t know how to put myself back together again.  I feel like, if something happened to me…  like, I didn’t look both ways before crossing Sheridan Rd, or I took a wrong step, and wound up on the el tracks…  maybe, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.  Then, I couldn’t do any more damage, or be hurt, ever again.


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