Another night of feeling crazy. Not knowing where my emotions going to take me is in itself driving me insane…if that makes sense. I often find myself trying to explain how I feel and then looking back and wondering just what it means. I have been up for far too long. I cannot sleep. I really am wishing I could. I had a long drive home alone today. The whole way my mind raced. The most random crazy thoughts flowed through my mind. I just felt like something was going to happen, as if I was having a psychic moment. Like its already in motion and there is nothing I can do to stop it. Will I be in a fatal car accident? Did I say goodbye to my husband for the last time tonight? Will something happen to him? What if what I am feeling is going farther into the future…what if he will be sent to war once again and something happens then? Is it my sister's plane ride home? Will it crash? What if something happens to her? Maybe its not her…is it my brother? Will he be injured or worse tonight at work. Thoughts went to my mother, back to myself. Am I having a heart attack?
Calm yourself, you have worked yourself up into a panic that is all. You have to stop this or something will happen to you on the way home but it will all be your own fault. Nothing is happening. Your just crazy.
I have learned I have to talk myself through these times when I am alone or I just end up a complete mess.
I have bad days, I have good days, I have fabulous days and then I have these days…the days that I feel I am slipping so far into insanity that I should go have myself committed. I have a knack for taking a panicked irrational thought and running as far as I can with it, and then over analyzing myself for doing such so much that I have ended up in an even worse place than I was before. I drive myself crazy, I know this, I just can't stop it.
Writing blogs and venting has seemed to help immensely however. Just sitting here and writing all my thoughts down is very calming. It's like I am giving my negative thoughts and maniacal emotions a way to escape my mind. A sense of relief washes over me after writing. When a computer with Internet access is not available to me I still write. I need the release. It is not the same as writing a blog on this site however. The comments are reassuring. Though I may feel I am so crazy and think I am the only one who feels this way there must be something wrong with me, I can see others are like me and I am not alone, I must not be crazy.
Speaking of blogs being therapeutic…I have finally tired my mind. The fire has been put out. It is quite again and I can sleep.