I have stopped really coming here. I dont really participate here anymore. I've successfully distanced myself from all but 5 people on earth (3 of whom are my kids). Yet I find that I really need to blog here. I have tried journaling this week. Somehow its not the same. I am very sorry. It seems like I'm using people here. I cant participate, support, function here right now…..yet I am still blogging. Please, don't read and comment if it hurts you that I have had to step away from everyone here.
This blog is about loneliness and my relationship with loneliness. Recently the relationship has taken a different form than it has in the past. I am far too close to the situation to tell if its a good, bad, or indifferent change. I'll see if I can explain….
I have chronic pain. I have since I was 12. At first I went to my doctor for it. He prescribed several things to see if we could get rid of the pain. All I learned was that it was easier to learn to get used to the pain than it was to take something for it, not have it help much and then have to deal with the side effects of the medication AND deal with the pain. So I deal with the pain. Somedays its so high that I cant go a minute without thinking about it and I cant sit still because my brain seems to think moving around a lot will help me find a comfortable position lol. Somedays I can ignore the pain and forget about it when I am busy. Those are really good days. I dont really think about it anymore. Its just the way it is. I dont spend anymore time thinking about pain than I do considering the miracle that I can see each morning I wake up.
Loneliness has become like pain to me. I am used to it. I dont really consider it anymore. Where it used to be something I tried to ease……now I seem to have resigned myself to the fact that it will always be there and will only get worse with age and time. I do not really have family outside of my kids anymore. I hope someday my husband and I will reconnect and find a way to save our marriage but as it is right now we really arent connected. I am so isolated that other than at work……I usually go days without another human touching me or talking to me in person. I live alone, sleep alone, cook alone, work mostly alone, I do everything alone. I recently cut off nearly everyone because I was tired of hurting people I care about and that went over pretty well. When I am unsure that I am doing the right thing I usually try the idea out on a friend. See what they say when they hear it. I know that must have been the right thing to do because I didnt really get resistance from most. Its kind of a relief actually. I cant hurt people if they dont come near me.
So now its just me, pain and loneliness. It appears that it will just be the three of us for a long while and I will likely have them by my side for the rest of my life. No sense in really worrying about it or trying to change that is there.